Santa Laws
In our Brown County we have laws we passed because of Santa Claus for one thing it’ s the time of year when country folks go hunting deer and so you see that is the reason at this time of year and season any deer we see that fly we cannot shoot them from the sky nor any fat guy in a sleigh until way after Christmas Day!
On Christmas Eve when we retire if in your chimney there’ s a fire why everyone around here knows if you burn Santa’ s boots and clothes your friends and family all can tell that any point in court is moot you’ ll lose your case, he’ ll win his suit no matter what your lawyer claims our laws protect Saint Nick from flames!
And by that chimney hung with care we put our socks and stockings there but we admit that he could tell they had that sorta country smell … so county-wide when as a whole we all received a lump of coal and’ round each sock, tied by a rope a box of scented laundry soap we in Brown County made a pact to pass a“ Clean Sock – Clean Air” act!
And milk and cookies on the table must say plainly on the label just for Santa late at night
66 Our Brown County • Nov./ Dec. 2019 for others like to take a bite and think that they might get away but Santa’ s got your DNA that’ s when you find there is a price if you’ ve been naughty or been nice since you will never know or not if there were presents you ain’ t got!? … and that’ s why parents stop and pause then eat them treats for Santa Claus!
And yet in truth we must be fair there’ s folks what say he isn’ t there so in their minds he doesn’ t exist and passing laws they all insist seems to be a waste of time and constitutes a Christmas crime but we have other kinds of proof than reindeer tracks upon our roof!
Like take for instance by the tree he leaves those gifts there all for free which most folks find is kinda funny’ cause where’ s this old guy get his money and why do gifts from Santa’ s bag have“ Made in China” on the tag? … so what became of all those elves that made those toys and stocked his shelves and why would Santa wanna rob those little folks that do that job? So it should come as no surprise Brown County helped them unionize and had to pass those union laws protecting elves from Santa Claus!? … Congress wouldn’ t do it!
— Gunther Flumm