Soon it will be Valentine’s Day and this has always been a very weird day for me – or maybe I am just weird, that’s totally possible too of course.
I remember vividly being on the bus to school as a teenager and this girl getting on the bus with loads of Valentine’s cards she had received, overjoyed in showing everyone the amount of them and starting the guessing game of which card came from which boy. I never even thought about it until that day but remember feeling so unwanted, so not popular, ugly – all in an instance, right there in
the bus. Looking back at images from that time I totally get why I would not have received any cards!
I definitely had a style that would not have attracted many at the time! Half punk half… well, something… I don’t know, I think I just wanted to be different whatever that meant.
I was emotionally so lost anyway so really, having a boyfriend or a romantic interest would have been completely wrong anyway and I sure made up for it later in life! Picking the wrong ones I mean because I was so broken, incomplete and totally not ‘sorted’ emotionally.
During those years I just longed for love and needed it displayed in a MASSIVE way. I think just romance was not enough, I somehow longed for drama, hardship, rejection, violence. Obviously not something at the time I would have said I longed for but I do really believe that you receive what you put ‘out there’…. To a certain extend though, I mean, I don’t believe people with cancer have ‘attracted’ it with their attitude or anything like that.
But anyway, back to the law of attraction I guess – looking back at it now all the rejection or carelessness my family had displayed growing up just threw me in a spin of validation, wanting to be loved…. No, CRAVING to be loved.
It came to such a violent point that I made the very conscious decision to stay single until I found a ‘normal’ man. I had figured out the ‘traits’ of the bad men in my past and I decided to run and hide as soon as my heart would deceive me to long for one of ‘those’.
And I did – I was single for 7 years, filling the voids with some… how shall we call it…. ‘casual love’. Yes, suitable term for me!
With a few rebounds to ‘bad’ (wasn’t paying attention enough) in the middle I actually ended up with a man. Not a boy – a man. One that I know loves me completely, one that will tell everyone with pride that I am his wife. I finally made the right choice.
But somehow I always – still to this day – struggle with needing to be loved. Even though I KNOW he does, it still doesn’t ever fill that doubt in my head that screams ‘unworthiness’. My kids (we have 3) love me unconditionally but I still worry myself sick – quite literally – that I will f**k it up and they
won’t love me anymore. I have never had a friend that would call me their best friend, which still to this day makes me feel unwanted or ‘uncool’
Self-fulfilling prophecy anyone!!?! The thoughts you have, create the world you live in… right?
Feel free to tell me why I am wrong!
Anyway, this brings me back to Valentine’s Day – or any other special occasion.
I am a realist, pragmatic, I can reason myself out of any emotional situation… take control over my emotions, so my sensible side really doesn’t need a gift or a card or anything special on that day… I know it isn’t about that, it is about all the other ways love is shown all the other days of the year.
And my man just does not happen to be a very romantic man and he definitely does NOT plan a thing, his life pretty much comes together last minute… literally.
But the CRAVING side is always disappointed when it is not there, when there isn’t that display of love spread all over, for the world to see (or at least my world). I still want to be surprised and have that super romantic getaway or that super thoughtful beautiful gift. I don’t care that much about the gift itself… it is the fact someone took the time to arrange it for you… took the time to find you what you really needed before you even knew…
Granted, the title is probably wrong as I don’t actually HATE Valentine’s but I definitely also don’t
LOVE the array of feelings it gives me.
My love/hate relationship with Valentine’s
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