Women often do this intuitively, without really
being aware of what they are doing. They do
exactly what I also do today when I am
emotionally activated: they call their best
friend and talk the whole thing over to get it
off their chest.
If it is a good best friend, she will not confirm
our exaggerated accusations. Instead, she will
just lovingly lend us an ear, just the way our
parents did when we were kids. After no more
than five minutes — ok, maybe sometimes ten
when the charge was particularly big — I come
to my senses once again and things are back in
perspective. After this, I am again able to see
my partner for who he really is: a good man,
who occasionally runs late but really has the
best of intentions with me.
After this kind of release, during which I will
often say all sorts of things I don’t really mean,
I am able to see my own needs clearly and can
communicate clearly and calmly to my partner.
I have discharged consciously. My girlfriend
knows, that I didn’t really mean everything I
said, but just had to get it out of my system.
Maybe my partner would have also known, yet
for him it would be much harder to not take it
personally if I say things, that are really not
fair.
In many cases, people still notice it years later
when they happen to come in contact with an
ex where emotional charges played an
unhealthy role. Even the smallest contact can
trigger strong emotional waves, demanding an
opportunity to discharge.
To each his own
Regardless of whether it is an ex, my current
partner, my boss or my child who triggers a
spontaneous explosion — the charge is mine.
In order to deal with it constructively, it is
inevitable that I take responsibility for it — and
that I leave the responsibility for the charges of
other people, which I happen to trigger, with
them. Both can be really difficult in practice,
initially it might even seem downright
impossible. Yet, it really is a matter of practice:
each time I succeed in dealing with a charge
responsibly, it becomes a little easier until it
actually becomes normal.
When this happens, we have passed an
important milestone of emotional maturity.
Now we can even confront each other with
really strong emotional charges without it
being a problem. On the contrary! When both
partners have learned what these emotional
tsunamis are about and how we can deal with
Beware of Toxic Waste
them appropriately, these situations actually
become an opportunity for a deeper level of
A lack of awareness in how we deal with
true contact and intimacy. We can be
emotional charges can be extremely dangerous vulnerable with each other, showing our
for our relationships and many couples
weaknesses, rough spots and edgy parts. And
inadvertently jeopardize their relationship by
we know, that we all need support sometimes
failing to distinguish feelings and emotions. It
to cope with certain situations.
is natural for those closest to us to trigger our
biggest emotional charges. That’s why it’s
Written By Vivian Dittmar
important to deal with them consciously.
Author of The Power of Feelings
A failure to do so most likely results in mutual
emotional activations. Sooner or later, the
Website: VivianDittmar.com
whole field of our relationship is poisoned or
mined even, turning even the most seemingly
Books are available on VivianDittmar.com and
harmless conversations into veritable
Amazon.com. E-books are also available on
minefields. Left unchecked, the final stop in
Kindle.
this journey is a painful breakup, often leaving
both partners bewildered as to what really
happened.