On the Coast – Families Issue 98 I February/March 2019 | Page 22
Help
my child is angry!
by Lindie Nell
M
any parents have been shocked or surprised when their
child hits, kicks, pushes or screams at them or other
children. Aggressive behaviour can be direct and also subtle like
whinging, not listening, or pretending that they don’t hear you.
But why do children become angry and what can parents
do to address anger?
It is helpful to understand that in toddlers, tantrums and aggressive
outbursts can be a normal part of a child’s developmental phase.
Children before the age of 5 struggle to show in healthy ways
when they are struggling with emotions. They also find it
difficult to express their needs. This is because the thinking/
logical part of the brain that is supposed to help them with
controlling these sometimes very intense emotions is not
sufficiently developed yet.
Children often use aggressive behaviour to voice that
something in their life is not going well. With all forms of
Relax and Stay Calm: Children need a parent who can stay calm,
aggression, a child attempts to gain control over himself, the
no matter what the storm looks like. Children learn to manage
environment and the people around them. When you see your
difficult behaviour by watching parents. Take a break if you
child act out in anger it is helpful not to look at their behaviour.
need to, count to ten or do breathing exercises before you act.
They often experience feelings of hurt, grief, fear or sadness.
Help your child to identify the feeling: When you help your
These feelings are very scary and, in an attempt to stay safe and
child to name their emotion you help their brain to shift from
in control children make use of anger as a defending mechanism.
the emotional brain to the thinking brain. This in itself can
help your child into a calmer state. When they are having a
Some underlying reasons for anger
meltdown and no communication is possible, you can say
in children:
something like “I can see you are really angry that you can’t
Attachment difficulties in their relationship with their parents;
get your shoe on your foot”.
Trauma experiences. Children are very sensitive and
(Connecting with our children and talking about their
may struggle with events that we never would think are
feelings often are important. Bottled up anger can turn into
traumatic for them;
depression and anxiety).
Anger is also the first reaction to a loss, a loss of a
Acknowledge and validate their feeling but set
grandparent, a school friend, moving house or a family pet.
limits on aggressive behaviour:
Any changes in a child’s life can also trigger angry behaviour
“It is okay to be angry but it is not okay to hit mummy”.
e.g. starting school or a baby sister joining the household.
Anger
Action Plan
Physical needs like hunger and tiredness;
Unmet emotional needs such as:
- - The need for love (one on one special time with your child,
physical contact, telling your child that you love him and
positive eye contact);
- - The need for age-appropriate responsibilities, (this is an
emotional need);
- - The need for encouragement and praise, (for attempting
something and not only for succeeding in it);
- - The need for security. This includes the atmosphere in the
house, the parent’s relationship (when separated as well),
routine, consistency and predictability;
A lack of some level of control in their life.
Helping children with their anger
Parents are mainly in control of their children’s day to day
activities. This control together with a long day at school and
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KIDZ O N T H E C OA S T
Have a “time-in” with your child
When your child is overwhelmed with anger, instead of sending
her to a naughty corner or into their room have a time-in
moment where you sit with your child. Just be with them in
their upset and difficult emotion. Stay with your child, even
when they don’t want you to be close to them. You can still stay
in the room and let them know that you don’t want them to
have all these big feelings on their own, but give them the
space they need while being available to them.
Talk about what happened and problem solve
when they are calm again.
Include logical consequences for older children such as having
to replace a cup with their own money when they break one
in anger.
Talk to your child about their behaviour when she is calm
again and problem solve.