On the Coast – Families Issue 98 I February/March 2019 | Page 14
When children don’t
tell the truth
By Laura Kiln
PgDip (CBT) (Child & Adolescence), BSc (Hons) CMHN
W
hen children don’t tell the truth it can upset and worry parents. It is
important to understand what the lie means to your child before you react.!
Learning about the truth
Children’s understanding of the truth is
related to their development.
Telling lies has no meaning for children
under three. They do not understand
that thinking is private and they
believe their parents can read their
minds. A two year old in a shop may
say ‘Why did you lose me, Mummy?’.
They think mum knows where they
are even when they’re out of sight.
Three to four year olds are learning
that other people don’t know what
they are thinking. Children this age
have a very strong imagination. They
enjoy using their new knowledge and
often test it out by telling ‘stories’, e.g.
‘The big bad wolf did it’. It is normal
for young children to blame someone
else or make up a story.
Children in the early years of school
usually want to please their parents
more than they want to do the ‘right
thing’. They are less likely to tell the
truth if they think it will make their
parents angry or upset.
By eight or nine years of age children
may have some understanding of the
difference between truth and fantasy,
e.g. understanding about Santa.
A child’s sense of right and wrong is
usually developed by about nine or ten
years of age.
Understanding and telling the truth is something
that children learn over years, not something
they know from birth.
Imaginary friends
Some children at about three or four
have an imaginary friend. This friend
usually disappears as the child grows
older. Children talk to and play with the
friend. They might talk to the friend
when they are upset or blame the friend
when they do something wrong. There is
no need for concern unless your child
seems really withdrawn and unable to
get on with other children and adults.
Children might lie because they:
are not old enough to understand the
difference between truth and untruth,
or right and wrong
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KI DZ O N T H E C OA ST
fear punishment or losing parents’
affection
have low self-esteem and want to
make themselves sound better
want to impress their friends and fit in
with the group
really believe what they are saying is
true – it is how things seem to them
are copying other people. Parents
might say that lying is wrong but
not always tell the truth themselves,
e.g.when someone is at the door and a
parent says, ‘Tell them I am not home’
are saying what they wish was true, e.g.
‘My dad always takes me to the football’.
older children and teenagers might lie
because they:
- - fear that if they tell the truth they
will not be allowed to do something
they want to do
- - have a need to keep some parts of
their lives private and not share
them with parents.
If you notice when your child lies it
may help you understand why, e.g. is it
when they are with friends, just to one
person, or when they are upset?
Most parents teach their children as they
get older that there are times when it is
OK not to tell the truth, such as when it
is not polite or could be hurtful, e.g.:
saying ‘Thank you for the lovely
present’ whether they like it or not, or
to say they like food offered to them
whether they like it or not
avoiding using hurtful words such as
‘hating’ something or someone or that
something or someone is ‘ugly’. It takes
a long time for children to learn the
difference between lies to be kind and
lies for other reasons.
What parents can do
Try not to get into a battle about
telling the truth.
Teach children why it is important to
tell the truth, e.g. ‘When people tell the
truth it helps us to trust them’. Let them
know it is safe to tell the truth – you
will not be angry if something wrong
has happened. You know that children
are still learning how to do things.
For younger children, teach the
difference between truth and fantasy,
e.g. ’That was a good story’ or ‘I can
see you make up lovely stories, maybe
we can write them down to keep’.
If you think your child is afraid of
punishment, talk about the ways that
you will deal with mistakes so they
know not to fear being honest.
Try not to accuse the child of mistakes. ’I
see there’s been an accident with the
milk, let’s clean it up’ or ‘Can you clean it
up?’ rather than ‘Did you spill the milk?’
Show your child you understand that
some lies are wishes, e.g. if a child says
that their dad is phoning all the time
and you know this is not true, you
could say ’It sounds like you wish Dad
could be here all the time’.
Give older children and teenagers some
personal privacy. Ask what you need to
know to protect them, but don’t pry
too much. Often they will talk to you
when the time is right and when they
feel you will listen without judging.
Tell the truth yourself. Don’t break
promises because to a child that seems
like telling a lie. If you can’t do what
you promised, give a good reason.
If your child keeps lying for any reason
or is unable to accept the truth when it
is shown to them in a caring way, you
may want to seek counselling.
Notice when your child tells the truth
and let them know you are pleased. Don’t
label your child ‘a liar’ because labels tend
to encourage the kind of behaviour you
don’t want.
Laura Kiln has moved to the Central Coast from the UK where she worked in London at the Institute of
Psychiatry and the National Specialist Centre for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. She has over 20
years experience of working with families and is internationally recognised as an expert in the field of
Parenting. She has four children herself and is used to the dramas of family life. Her practice ‘Laura’s
Place’, is open for self or GP referral. Tel: (02) 4385 5587 www.laurasplace.com.au. Laura has appeared
on Channel 9 TODAY show as a parenting expert.