On the Coast – Families Issue 97 I December/January 2019 | Page 42
www.miraclemarriage.com.au
Find your Xmas Miracle...
in your marriage
Christmas and summer holidays offer up
postcards of family joy, good times, love
and togetherness, yet often the story
behind the happy snaps can be one of
strain, stress and relationship challenge.
At this time of year, as a relationship
coach and marriage therapist, we know
it is often the most vulnerable times for
couples. Sometimes it can be the last straw
for couples just holding it together.
I know when my own marriage was
under its greatest strain it was during the
holidays. Money stresses were amplified,
family was in too close quarters and it just
seemed to bring into dramatic contrast all
that wasn’t right that we couldn’t escape.
Let me ask you these questions.
In your marriage has the spark gone?
Are you growing in parallel or in
different directions?
Not talking anymore or only about the
kids and home chores?
Are you missing the affection, intimacy
and thrill?
Are you feeling bored, unappreciated or
even taken for granted?
Are you looking enviously at other
relationships?
Are you having the same fights and
never fully resolving disagreements or
disappointments?
You still love each other, but you are
wondering how things might be if you
did leave?
Are you feeling un-resourced and don’t
know where to go for support?
Maybe you are at the point of wishing
for a miracle?
I know many marriages – even good,
solid and healthy ones – can go through
phases and times of pain, turmoil,
stagnation, blame, change, challenge and
crisis.
And believe me, I know, I’ve been there.
There was a time when all of the above
described my marriage. It had hit such
a low ebb that I thought it would need
a miracle to turn things around for the
better. I couldn’t see a way through. That
was more than a dozen years ago…and a
whole lotta growth, learning, responsibility
and evolving……. and this year we
42
KI DZ O N T H E C OA ST
celebrated 21 precious years of marriage
(and 4 weddings – yes, we marry each
other every 7 years).
That low ebb, many many years ago,
was the turning point for me to find my
miracle and it did happen but not in the
way I expected. Our financial stress and
strain did not miraculously vanish, nor did
any of our external circumstances change.
Our working conditions remained exactly
the same, our children were still small and
consistently demanding and exhausting
us, my home renovation makeover didn’t
miraculously happen and I didn’t drop
those 10 kilos overnight (& nor did he!).
My miracle came from within. After a
conversation with my wise mumma my
miracle was literally the jolt of recognition
that if I worked on me (not try to change
him or our circumstances – because both
those pathways seemed impossible and
overwhelming), then things could change.
A traditional explanation might say
that a miracle is an act of God, or a
manifestation of divine power with results
that we consider to be impossible under
the physical laws. I’d like to consider a
broader definition, one that defines a
miracle as a shift in perception, or a change
in the way we feel and think. In this way, a
miracle is simply a shift in perception that
leads to a change in your lived reality.
In one of my favourite spiritual and
life transformational texts, A Course In
Miracles, a ‘miracle’ is defined as any
expression of love. “Miracles are a kind
of exchange. Like all expressions of love,
which are always miraculous in the true
sense, the exchange reverses the physical
laws. They bring more love both to the
giver and the receiver.” Yes, a miracle
brings more love!
As an ‘out-and-proud’ big believer and
advocate for marriage as the most amazing
and sacred environment for two people
to grow, flourish, fully self-express and
create something beautiful to contribute to
the world, it really is time to allow for the
miracle of marriage to be achievable by all.
Once my miracle shift occurred, I saw
and experienced things very differently.
The lens through which I was looking at
things – the lens of blame and victim –
was replaced with one of responsibility
and empowerment. My orientation to
indulge negative emotions such as anger,
disappointment and fear, was changed
to a motivation to lead with gratitude,
forgiveness and love, particularly beginning
with self-love.
Major shifts can occur with just one
person bringing a new intention, new
attention and new skills into a relationship;
however the real magic happens when a
couple work together. To transform our
marriage to where we wanted it to be we
had to rapidly ‘upskill’ on both love and
communication as well as many other
essential relationships skills such as how to
manage conflict, that was a biggy.