On the Coast – Families Issue 105 I April/May 2020 | Page 29

Happiness
isn’t what I wish for my children
BY CATHERINE SCHASSER
A
ccording to vocabulary.com
“Happiness is that feeling that
comes over you when you know
life is good and you can’t help but smile.”
Similarly, Sonja Lyubomirsky, a
professor of psychology at the
University of California, defines
happiness as, “the experience of joy,
contentment, or positive well-being,
combined with a sense that one's life is
good, meaningful, and worthwhile.”
Sure, these are feelings I want my
children to experience, but let’s be real
for a minute. Does anyone, anywhere
ever get through life untouched by hurt,
sadness or challenge? I’m waaaay on the
side of absolutely NOT.
With this in mind, what good is it
that I wish for my child to be happy,
if I believe feeling happiness as a
consistency is an impossibility?
I completely understand the initial
response from parents who say they
want their children to be happy and
healthy. If you’d asked me 26 years ago
when I was 19 and pregnant with my
son what I wish for him, I’m certain
health and happiness would have
been included in my response. These
continue to be the answers I hear when
engaging with parents today. If you’d
then returned to me six years later as I
awaited the arrival of my second child,
a daughter this time, I’d have answered
again with a desire for her to be happy
and healthy, however by this time, I’d
have added capable and independent to
my ‘want’.
Today my children are grown and
exploring the world as adults. They’ve
survived the process and expectation
of their formal schooling years, felt
wins and losses of achievements
socially, academically and physically
and they’ve negotiated relationships of
independence and interdependence. As
all of us do, they’ve had opportunities to
lean into their personal identities and
make choices of roles, responsibilities
and action. They’ve been happy…but
they’ve felt other emotions too.
“Ups and downs. Victories and
defeats. Sadness and happiness. That’s
the best kind of life.” Maxime Lagace
Yes, of course I want my children
to be happy, but if this were to be my
primary wish and focus, I’d be falling
short in providing them the skills,
qualities and dispositions which would
allow them the ability to CREATE the
desired result of happiness…whenever
they wanted.
Without rain there are
no rainbows. Without
pressure, no diamonds.
Without grit, no pearl
and without a broken
seed, no new growth.
If it’s not happiness I want for my
children, what is it I DO want for them,
you may query?
In the last almost three decades of
raising children and teaching in the
early childhood sector, I’ve observed
much evidence of the challenges facing
children, teens and yes, adults. That
means you too. Life can be pretty hard at
times, can’t it? As Brene Brown states,
we’re so frightened of what’s to come
from life and the feelings associated with
these possibilities, we often spend our
days ‘foreboding joy’. By this she refers to
the strategy of pre-empting or preparing
for the inevitable wrecking ball or less
significant however still impacting
challenge we’re ‘sure’ is around the
corner. The sick child. Rainy weather.
Broken washing machine. Lost job. Et
cetera. Et cetera. If this is true, then it’s
clear we don’t believe our children are
going to be happy all their lives, right?
We know things go wrong and don’t go
to plan. That’s the design of this curious
game of life we play. It’s inevitable our
children will experience disappointment,
loss, hurt and other perceived negative
emotions we as their parents, would love
to be able to shelter them from. We can’t
though, can we? “Perfect and bulletproof
are seductive, but they don’t exist in the
human experience.” Brene Brown
This is why happiness is not what I
wish for my children. My wish is they
understand the power to be happy lies
within them. I also wish for them to
know peace in who they are and peace
in the hard times.
This powerful strategy is what I pray
my children learn. That when the next
life challenge is upon them, they are able
and willing to ask themselves ‘what am
I telling myself and what am I making
this mean?’ and then to choose the next
best thought that moves them toward
joy. “Nothing has power over me other
than that which I give my conscious
thoughts” Anthony Robbins
Without rain there are no rainbows.
Without pressure, no diamonds. Without
grit, no pearl and without a broken seed,
no new growth. If my children and yours
can practice resiliency, choose to take
ownership of their minds and search for
silver linings, happiness can be theirs.
This is what I wish for my children.
And this is what I wish for you.
Catherine is the co-founder of Developing Dreams, a local company 'empowering children one
adult at a time'. This vision is achieved through the educational curriculum at Developing Dreams
Early Learning Centre named 2019 Best Small, Private, Regional Centre in NSW, and through
coaching programs written and facilitated by Catherine. Email catherine@developingdreams.
com.au for further information or to find out how you can be EMPOWERED in your life.
APRIL/MAY 20 – ISSUE 105
29