On the Coast – Families Issue 103 I December 19/January 20 | Page 34

I R I S F O U N D AT I O N
Quiet kids in an
extroverted world
BY ADRIENNE GARSIDE
A
mongst my childhood
photos is one of me at
a Christmas party aged
about five. There I sit, surrounded
by all the stuff kids are supposed
to love – presents, games and a
bunch of smiling children. I look
like I just witnessed someone
running over a puppy. Though
I have grown and changed in
many ways since then, I remain
an introvert at heart. The list of
things I would rather do than
attend a party is very, very long.
Undergoing minor surgery is on
there.
I am a relatively quiet, solitary
person despite persistent efforts
to coach these traits out of me.
Parents, teachers and other
interested adults know that
outwardly confident people tend
to have an easier time making
friends, landing jobs and forming
romantic partnerships. We
need only look at our political
and business leaders to see
that, for better or worse, being
an extrovert is idealised in Western
cultures.
Yet medical research tells us that
personality traits are at least partly
genetic. If our brains and nervous
systems are literally wired differently,
why do we try so hard to resist these
contrasts? Confidence is based in self-
acceptance. It is very hard for a child to
learn to love and nurture themselves
properly when well-meaning adults are
trying to mould them into somebody else.
Nurturing a quiet confidence
Forcing an introverted child to ‘get
over it’ and take centre stage is a sure
recipe for unhappiness, shame and
often failure. It is far healthier to focus
attention and praise on what your child
does well. Accept that their skills and
interests may differ from your own. Let
them know that in many settings, traits
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O N T H E C OA S T – FAM ILIES
rooms and even faked illnesses
to get time out during sleepovers.
I felt ashamed of this at the time
but now recognise it as self-care.)
Observe your child’s limits in this
regard and check in with them if
you’re not sure. It isn’t coddling to
help your child feel comfortable
with new situations, places and
people. Accept that they might
need extra alone time and privacy,
especially after prolonged group
activity. Recognise that they may
prefer just a couple of friends
they are close to instead of a large
circle. As in so many aspects of
life, it’s quality, not quantity that
counts.
such as cautiousness and reflectiveness
are highly valued. Make a point of
encouraging your child verbally when
they do try things that challenge them,
like talking to someone they don’t know.
If your child is a little older, help them
plan ahead to make new experiences
less daunting. Remind them that feeling
nervous about trying new things is a
normal part of being human, and that
many people feel the same way, though
they may not show it.
When extra support is needed
It might be helpful to discuss
your child’s quiet nature with
teachers so they can provide
appropriate support. For example,
your child may prefer small group
interactions rather than being
called upon in front of the whole
class. Some children simply prefer
to learn by listening and observing –
it doesn’t necessarily mean they are
disengaged.
It is also important to remember that
social withdrawal can be a symptom
of childhood anxiety and depression.
If you notice a sudden or significant
behavioural shift, or if your child is
chronically avoidant, consider seeking
support from your school’s welfare team
or from clinical professionals.
Socialising in controlled doses
While extroverts draw energy from
social interactions, introverted children
tend to find them physically and
emotionally draining. (I hid in spare
Adrienne Garside works for Iris Foundation, a charity that aims to reduce the risk of suicide on the
Central Coast. The Foundation achieves this by facilitating and supporting awareness campaigns,
programs and partnerships which enhance community connectedness and well-being. For more
information, please visit: www.irisfoundation.org.au.