On the Coast – Families Issue 102 I October/November 2019 | Page 30

parenting
Reclaiming
your joy in
BY NIKKI SMITH
W
e are cranky, they get cranky.
We stare at our screens
because it can be the path
with less conflict and struggle. We’re
busy, they’re TOO busy! We punish
rather then choose to teach. We forget
to stop. Listen and connect. Sometimes it
really is all too much.
It’s too trying, too tiring and too much
of a challenge. You’ve woken up to, yet
another sleepless night and all of your
children are still in your bed!
You wake up only to notice that your
daughter’s nappy is off and there’s a
puddle of wee in the kitchen that you
accidently slip in as you prepare your
morning coffee!!
You’ve just gotten dressed, you’re
sipping on your morning coffee after a
long night of wake ups, your new baby is
snuggling up to your chest…‘brrraaaap!!’
You look down and there’s poo
everywhere!! How the hell did that
happen!!
Parenting can be hard. It can be
stressful. The question is, is it worth
deliberating and dwelling upon things
that you simply cannot change? Things
that have already happened.
Isn’t that a recipe for making you feel
much worse? “Research has shown that
children create unhappiness. There are
some parenting blogs and facebook feeds
that perpetuate that.
Dr Justin Coulson PhD has researched
over 1000 Australian parents.
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O N T H E C OA S T – FA M ILIES
His research showed that parents
experienced lowered wellbeing as their
children got older or with the more
children that they had.”
Taken from the book by Dr Justin
Coulson PhD, Author of ’10 things every
parent needs to know.’ In this book Dr
Coulson goes onto explain that within
his research he found that children have
been more likely to think that they are
the cause of their parent’s frustration,
anger and sadness.
Could it be that that’s because we tend
to show our negative feelings far more
than we do our joy, our happiness? It
wasn’t too long ago that I wrote a post
on my Instagram and Facebook handles
about a group of mums that I’d overheard
in the playground, they were discussing
their ‘painful pests,’ with a cuppa, right in
front of their toddlers.
The post reads below;
“I’m going to be completely honest
here. And it may upset some people…
But I really struggle to understand why
we as parent’s feel it’s ok to call our
children names in front of them? Would
you speak to your friend like that? Your
partner? If they spoke to you like that, or
if you overheard them speaking about
you like that, how would you feel?
So I ask you, how do you think your
child feels when they over hear you
speak about them like that? Let’s be
very clear here, your children are not
a burden. They weren’t brought upon
When we connect
and listen, we show
our children that their
feelings are important.
this earth to upset you purposefully
(even though on those really emotionally
exhausting days it sometimes feels like it!)
Your child doesn’t cry and express
their big emotions in public just to make
you feel like an incompetent parent.
They don’t cry or refuse to eat their
dinner because they know that you’re
watching your favourite tv show. Like us,
they have very real needs and very big
emotions.
If their needs such as, food, a nap,
exercise, play and being outside to
ground their energy, if these needs
haven’t been met then they do express it
in a BIG way. All of those big feelings are
due to their brain still developing, it’s all
about the medulla aspect of the brain. 
The medullsa helps control the
sympathetic nervous system and the
parasympathetic nervous system,
when you feel stressed or in danger,
the vasomotor centre makes the blood
vessels get smaller. This is part of the
body’s “fight or flight” response.
I have a 3 year old, I absolutely get it! 
I have experienced parenting toddlers
three times over now, and it’s not easy!