On the Coast – Families Issue 101 I August/September 2019 | Page 22

forgiveness
Tackling the big beast
BY SARAH TOLMIE
T
oday in my relationship coaching
practice I had a step-father and his
adolescent son working on
reconciling their relationship.
It has been a happy family life, mostly,
but they have also had some difficult
history together, especially as they have
traversed the teenage years compounded
by other extenuating factors of stress.
Father and son are now both over 6ft tall.
It is, however, only physically that they
see ‘eye to eye’.
Our session’s goal was to begin
reconciliation. To restore the relationship
for re-entry into the family after a period
of separated living; to redefine
‘boundaries’ and reset some new
relationship agreements, however before
the recreating work can be done, healing
work needs to happen.
Hard feelings and difficult emotions
need to be moved on and released. Each
party needs to recognise they are an
equal and contributing force in the
‘relationship field’ and their desire to be
together and create a positive future must
be greater than their desire to maintain
those hard feelings and live in the past.
You can’t do both – you can’t hold onto
the rage and want things to change – it’s
like two feet on different boats.
To achieve this, whether it is lovers
and spouses, or fathers and sons, requires
profound, meaningful and skilled work.
It involves high-level relationship skills,
which once learnt, can propel you on the
path to right and happy relationships –
with yourself – and with everyone and
anyone. This is the work of empathy,
taking responsibility and forgiveness, but
of them all, the hardest for many seems
to be forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a big beast to slay.
In fact, it could be a dying art form. It
seems people are so ready and fast to
walk away from relationship at the
first clash or transgression (particularly
online where you can simply block,
delete and even troll) but we can’t so
easily do that to our lovers and family.
In any intimate relationship, at some
point you will find yourself in an un-
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ON T H E C OA S T – FA M ILIES
forgiveness/forgiveness dynamic. That’s
just how life and love goes.
When was the last time you
witnessed or participated in a process of
forgiveness? Often it can play out as a
one-sided business where we are either
giving it or withholding our forgiveness
of others. How often do we find
ourselves asking for forgiveness? How
often are we willing to admit to being in
the wrong? How willing are we to see our
part in the experiences we have?
We create a powerful energetic
bonding when we engage in blame,
resentment, right vs wrong, victim vs
perpetrator or good vs bad judgements. It
is a very intimate partnership we create
with someone when we need to either
forgive or be forgiven. A tight emotional
fusion takes place, energetically shackling
you to each other. This emotional shackle
can remain alive despite years, distance
and even beyond the grave.
Inevitably in my client sessions we will
work with forgiveness as a key milestone
in a healing and transformation journey.
This is always really, really hard.
Sometimes it is an herculean task!
Part of the massive challenge of
forgiveness is that it is often based on a
false understanding of what forgiveness is
about. It is not a pardoning, or a condoning
of another’s actions, but rather a release
from that energetic, emotional bond to the
person/situation. This bond is usually
defined by some very uncomfortable and
toxic emotions which will not leave you
until they are given permission to leave.
No doubt about it, forgiveness is a
complex experience. It is many things.
Forgiveness is a decision. Forgiveness is
state of being. Forgiveness is allowing, a
willingness to release the emotions that
shackle you to another. Forgiveness it is
not a switch you flick, but a practice. It is
an energetic process. It involves giving
and receiving, including to yourself.
Forgiveness is not a rational,
mental, intellectual feat; it is a spiritual
endeavour. Sometimes, it may feel so
beyond our capacity, we need to reach a
higher place of being, or hand it over to
the divine.
Sometimes, the best way to appreciate
the power and transcendent grace of
forgiveness is to be on the other side of
the equation, in the humbling position
of asking to be forgiven. We are all
human. We all make mistakes. We
are all learning. We are all trying to be
better. Forgiving the little things is just as
important as forgiving the big things. In
fact, being practised in the smaller acts
of forgiveness will build our forgiveness
muscle.
We’ve all been there. We will all fail
again. Forgiveness is a big beast, so for
now, let’s just take a small bite out of the
elephant. Here is a loving, compassionate
and real way to ask for forgiveness:
1. I take responsibility for_______
2. I know/guess it made you feel_______
3. I am sorry.
4. What I have learned about myself/this
situation is _______
5. I commit to changing this ________
to avoid it happening again.
6. Can you please forgive me?
Equally important is being gracious
and real when accepting an apology. An
unaccepted apology can do more harm
and amplify hard feelings. A rejected
apology doesn’t bring into the interaction
any sense of responsibility and it
certainly bypasses any empathy.
I hope for both this father and son
they can meet each other in an equal
place – now almost man to man –
and be willing to give empathy, take
responsibility, and forgive...for giving
them the chance to be at peace in their
family life again and for giving them the
chance to recreate, regenerate, restore
and renew.
Sarah Tolmie is a marriage therapist, love & relationship coach, holistic celebrant, bespoke funeral
director and end-of-life consultant. Sarah assists people to celebrate, navigate, grow and heal through
all their life & love transitions. You can visit her website www.sarahtolmie.com.au and receive her
Daily Love updates on Facebook Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love or Instagram @lifeandloveprojects.