OMG Digital Magazine | 327 | Thursday 4 October 2018 • PAGE 11
Relationship
LOVE AND ROMANCE
Falling in love is the easy part . The challenge for couples is how to rekindle the fires of romance from time to time and cultivate the mature , trusting love that is the hallmark of a lasting relationship .
WHAT ’ S YOUR LOVE STYLE ? When you say “ I love you ,” what do you mean ? Terry Hatkoff , a California State University sociologist , has created a love scale that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships .
• Romantic : Based on passion and sexual attraction
• Best Friends : Fondness and deep affection
• Logical : Practical feelings based on shared values , financial goals , religion etc .
• Playful : Feelings evoked by flirtation or feeling challenged
• Possessive : Jealousy and obsession
• Unselfish : Nurturing , kindness , and sacrifice
Researchers have found that the love we feel in our most committed relationships is typically a combination of two or three different forms of love . But often , two people in the same relationship can have very different versions of how they define love . Dr . Hatkoff gives the example of a man and woman having dinner . The waiter flirts with the woman , but the husband doesn ’ t seem to notice , and talks about changing the oil in her car . The wife is upset her husband isn ’ t jealous . The husband feels his extra work isn ’ t appreciated .
What does this have to do with love ? The man and woman each define love differently . For him , love is practical , and is best shown by supportive gestures like car maintenance .
For her , love is possessive , and a jealous response by her husband makes her feel valued .
Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can help you navigate conflict and put romance back into your relationship . You and your partner can take the Love Style quiz from Dr . Hatkoff and find out how each of you defines love . If you learn your partner tends toward jealousy , make sure you notice when someone is flirting with him or her . If your partner is practical in love , notice the many small ways he or she shows love by taking care of everyday needs .
What Is Your Love Style ?
What ’ s your love style ? Take this quiz to find out which style best describes your behavior in romantic relationships . Even better : Take it with your partner .
REIGNITE ROMANCE Romantic love has been called a “ natural addiction ” because it activates the brain ’ s reward center -- notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug addiction , alcohol and gambling . But those same pathways are also associated with novelty , energy , focus , learning , motivation , ecstasy and craving . No wonder we feel so energized and motivated when we fall in love !
But we all know that romantic , passionate love fades a bit over time , and ( we hope ) matures into a more contented form of committed love . Even so , many couples long to rekindle the sparks of early courtship . But is it possible ?
The relationship researcher Arthur Aron , a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony
Brook , has found a way . The secret ? Do something new and different -- and make sure you do it together . New experiences activate the brain ’ s reward system , flooding it with dopamineand norepinephrine . These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love . Whether you take a pottery class or go on a white-water rafting trip , activating your dopamine systems while you are together can help bring back the excitement you felt on your first date . In studies of couples , Dr . Aron has found that partners who regularly share new experiences report greater boosts in marital happiness than those who simply share pleasant but familiar experiences .
DIAGNOSE YOUR PASSION LEVEL The psychology professor Elaine Hatfield has suggested that the love we feel early in a relationship is different than what we feel later . Early on , love is “ passionate ,” meaning we have feelings of intense longing for our mate . Longerterm relationships develop “ companionate love ,” which can be described as a deep affection , and strong feelings of commitment and intimacy .
Where does your relationship land on the spectrum of love ? The Passionate Love Scale , developed by Dr . Hatfield , of the University of Hawaii , and Susan Sprecher , a psychology and sociology professor at Illinois State University , can help you gauge the passion level of your relationship . Once you see where you stand , you can start working on injecting more passion into your partnership . Note that while the scale is widely used by relationship researchers who study love , the quiz is by no means the final word on the health of your relationship . Take it for fun and let the questions inspire you to talk to your partner about passion . After all , you never know where the conversation might lead .