OMG Digital Magazine | 320 | Thursday 2 August 2018 • PAGE 11
Relationship
9 HARD TRUTHS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS NO ONE WANTS TO BELIEVE
SHANA LEBOWITZ
Relationships take effort to maintain , and you won ' t always be happy with your partner . Even if you love each other , if you have fundamentally different values , a breakup may be the best option . Everyone knows relationships are hard , and take effort to maintain , and sometimes disappoint you . Except , of course , your relationship . That ' s different . Or so everyone likes to believe .
Below , we ' ve listed some of the truest but hardest-toaccept insights about modern romance . If you can get past these somewhat unsettling ideas , you ' ll be more likely to have a happy and fulfilling partnership .
We ' re often attracted to people who will later drive us crazy While researching habits and personality for her book " The Four Tendencies ," Gretchen Rubin noticed a curious phenomenon . People she ' d labeled " rebels " often paired up romantically with people she ' d labeled " obligers ."
Rebels resist both inner and outer expectations ; if you ask a rebel to do something , they ' ll likely resist . Obligers meet outer expectations but don ' t always meet inner ones ; they usually need some form of external accountability .
Rubin told Business Insider : " If you ' re an upholder , you live life according to a schedule . [ For example ] you never miss your daily run , and you always eat fewer than 30 grams of carbs a day , and you always go to bed by 11 . It could be exciting be swept off your feet by somebody who feels very free and not confined ."
But over time , the novelty may wear off and these two different approaches can come into conflict . To be sure , rebels and obligers — and any two types of people — can be happy together . But it ' s worth keeping this pattern in mind .
There ' s probably no such thing as ' the one ' Out of the thousands of eligible singles just waiting for a swipe right , how do you know who ' s the right one for you ? Trick question : There isn ' t a right one .
That ' s according to Esther Perel , who is a couples therapist as well as the author of " Mating in Captivity " and " The State of Affairs ." Perel previously told Business Insider : " There is a one that you choose and with whom you decide that you want to build something . But in my opinion , there could also have been others — you just chose this one ." Once you ' ve chosen someone , you work to make that person a better fit .
You may be less likely to break up with your partner if you have a pet or a joint bank account Psychologists call them " material constraints ": Think a house you co-own , a joint bank account , or a pet you both take care of .
Research suggests that material constraints make a breakup a lot less likely . In fact , according to a 2011 study of unmarried men and women in heterosexual relationships , adding just one additional material constraint is linked to a 10 % increase in a couple ' s chances of staying together .
Presumably , that ' s because it ' s harder to disentangle yourself from the relationship when it ' s not just the two of you . So it ' s wise — if slightly uncomfortable — to think in advance about what you ' d do if the relationship dissolved .
Poor timing can be a reason to break up — even if you love each other In " The Love Gap ," journalist Jenna Birch explains why timing is all-important in a relationship . Specifically , Birch argues that many men and women may be on different timelines : While men want to feel established professionally and financially before settling down , women can work on love and their career at the same time .
Birch urges women to take men seriously when they say they ' re " not ready " for a serious relationship right now . That may mean moving on to someone else who does feel ready , instead of wasting your time hanging around .
People probably aren ' t as open to interracial dating as they say they are Data from OKCupid , described in a 2014 blog post , suggests that people ' s attitudes and behavior around interracial dating can differ , drastically . OKCupid found that , among its users , the number of people who said they strongly preferred to date someone of their own race dropped from roughly 40 % to roughly 30 % between 2008 and 2014 .
But as OKCupid founder Christian Rudder wrote , in that same time frame , " OKCupid users are certainly no more open-minded than they used to be . If anything , racial bias has intensified a bit ."
Consider : In 2009 , Asian men on OKCupid rated black women , on average , 16 % less attractive than the average woman . In 2014 , Asian men rated black women 20 % less attractive .
Passion may wax and wane in your relationship You and your partner may not always see fireworks like you did in the early stages of your relationship . The key is not to freak out . Rachel Sussman , a relationship expert and marriage counselor in New York City , told Business Insider that the decline of passion in a relationship is perfectly normal — and that you can lure it back .
One strategy is to schedule sex ; another is to try a new and exciting activity together . Above all , try to be patient while you work on things .
It can be hard to make a relationship work if you and your partner have different values Values are different from interests . If you like going to football games and your partner doesn ' t , you can probably find a friend to go with you instead . But if you ' re interested in earning more money and status and your partner doesn ' t care , that could be a problem .
Karl Pillemer , a professor of human development at Cornell University , spoke with a series of older Americans for his book " 30 Lessons for Loving " and heard a lot about the importance of shared values .
Pillemer ' s interviewees recommended having an explicit discussion about core values with your partner before getting married , or deciding to be together long term . You ' ll want to cover values around children , money , and religion — and whatever else is important to you .
One 80-year-old man put it in very frank terms : " If you have divergent personalities and ideas of what ' s right and wrong , and what you want to do and what you don ' t want to do right at the very beginning , well , it ' s not going to get better . It ' s going to go downhill ."
Sometimes you will be miserable in your relationship Total happiness is hard to come by — in life and especially in a relationship . In her book " The Real Thing ," Washington Post features writer Ellen McCarthy quotes Diane Sollee , a marriage educator who explained that too many people have delusional expectations for marriage .
McCarthy writes : "[ Sollee ] wants couples who are getting ready to walk down the aisle to know — really know — that it will be hard . That there will be times when one or both of them want out and can barely stand the sight of each other . That they ' ll be bored , then frustrated , angry , and perhaps resentful ." She adds : " Diane also wants them to know that all of these things are normal ."