OMG Digital Magazine | 306 | Thursday 26 April 2018 • PAGE 11
Relationship
3 Keys to a " Good " Fight with Your Spouse BY JAMES JAY SEXTON
The author of If You ' re in My Office , It ' s Already Too Late explains how to fight without drawing blood .
As a divorce attorney , I argue for a living . I ' ve joked with my children , from time to time , when steadfastly refusing to allow them to engage in some typical teenage behavior , that I couldn ' t argue with them about it at home for free because " it wouldn ' t be fair to my paying customers ."
One of the biggest lessons parenting has taught me : You can argue with someone and still love them very much . In fact , if you ' re committed to maintaining a long-term relationship with something as imperfect as a human being , you ' re going to have arguments from time to time . Maybe the gap between " time " and " time " is mere hours . So , it ' s a good idea to learn how to argue with someone you love ( and plan to continue loving ).
My clients are either monumentally bad at arguing or got bad at it over time . I hope that ' s not the case for you . If you need a primer , some thoughts :
1 . Make the holes you dig shallow , because the deep ones are hard to climb out of .
Married fights can be tricky . They start out about something benign , like how generous the pile of fried onions should be on the top of green bean casserole or what ' s the best way to get to the Flatiron Building from the George Washington Bridge , and the next thing you know you ' re airing out age-old quarrels that neither of you realized the other was still carrying around (" And three years ago on Christmas , you let your brother say that horrible thing about me !"). Keep disputes focused ; don ' t take current behavior and start extrapolating larger trends in the relationship because , in the moment , it might seem like a good idea to " get them out in the open " and " hash them out ." Such leaps are dangerous , and they ' re dirty pool . When we lawyers are cross-examining even the skankiest people , we ' re restricted from jumping from the heinous behavior in question to other heinous acts not on the docket . If you ' re fighting about a specific issue , stick to that issue . You can bring up the old stuff later , after you ' ve worked this one through and are both in a calmer state of mind . Or you may realize , in the interim , that it ' s best to let sleeping dogs lie . You are surely aware that you can never unsay things you say in arguments . You can apologize , but that doesn ' t take it back . To test this theory : Take a plate ; throw it on the ground ; now apologize to it . See what I mean ?
2 . Identify the subject .
If you ' re arguing about a specific issue as an example of a larger pattern of behavior , focus the discussion on the larger pattern of behavior . ( This may sound like the opposite of the previous point ; I don ' t believe it is .) You ' re not mad that your spouse deleted the program you wanted to watch from the DVR after he finished it . Well , you are , but that ' s not what upsets you : It ' s that he was thinking only about himself in that moment and not thinking about what you might want . Of course that ' s the key issue — because , let ' s face it , if the DVR incident was the first time he ever did something like that , you wouldn ' t be ready to bite his head off . You ' d shrug it off . " It was an honest mistake ," or " Things happen ." But you didn ' t , because it ' s part of a larger body of disagreeable behavior . So , get to that general principle first , and use the individual incident ( or incidents ) as supporting " evidence ." Trial Lawyer says : Lead with the big picture and then provide the testimony and evidence to back it up .
3 . Don ' t start something that has no end .
If you married a guy who is short , don ' t argue with him about how much better it would be if he were taller . The argument is not going to end well . If you ' re arguing about something that ' s happened and can ' t be undone without the aid of a time machine , really make sure it ' s worth having the argument . Sure , there are times when your spouse did or said something stupid and they ' re likely to do it or say it again if the behavior is left unchecked . In those circumstances , it might be worth having the argument . The same is true if the behavior is indicative of a larger pattern ( such as selfishness , rotten investment skills , an upsetting approach to parenting ) that might come up again in different circumstances . If you ' re just holding a grudge and upset with your spouse about something unrelated and it ' s impossible to change or undo , tread lightly . We remember the complaints more vividly than the compliments . I would know : I listen to recollections of marital histories for hours and hours , 50 weeks of the year .
From If You ' re in My Office , It ' s Already Too Late : A Divorce Lawyer ' s Guide to Staying Together , by James J . Sexton , Esq ., published by Henry Holt and Company .