OMG Digital Magazine OMG Issue 286 7th December 2017 | Page 11

OMG Digital Magazine | 286 | Thursday 7 December 2017 • PAGE 11
Relationship
Why the Ones We
Love Drive Us Crazy
By Martha Beck
Aw, you love the guy! Except when he drives you
completely mental. Martha Beck shows you what to do
with a significantly annoying significant other.
Recently, I asked a group of ordinary American women
to describe their significant others’ most annoying
characteristics. The responses were startling, not for their
content but for the loathing I observed in these usually
pleasant, well-adjusted people. If you want to see the red
gleam of murder in someone’s eyes, if you want chilling
insight into the thinness and fragility of the civilized
veneer that glosses over humanity’s primal drives, don’t
read Greek tragedy or visit death row. Just listen to a few
nice, normal folks talk about the way their spouses fake
a Cockney accent, reuse unwashed underwear, or repeat
every joke three times.
Hating the Ones We Love
As we pledge our undying devotion to our partners, it might
be wise to acknowledge the flashes of vile, indefensible
hatred we occasionally feel toward them. Acknowledging
them while they’re still small can help us deal with them
responsibly. Denying their existence allows them to grow
until they overwhelm our social niceties, turning us into
various manifestations of the Incredible Hulk.
Do you want to reach that point? If not, read on and follow
these steps...
Step 1: Find the Meaning in Maddening Moments
Tom and Jerri were furious at each other. On their way to
my office, they’d stopped for a cup of coffee. Tom had also
purchased a newspaper and flipped to the sports page,
holding out the front section and asking Jerri, “Do you
want to look at this?” At that point, Jerri burst into tears,
all communication ceased, and the couple was officially
at war.
Clearly, this had nothing to do with the newspaper.
However, the coffee shop incident was an excellent
“access point” for figuring out the core issues that were
causing conflict. The key to this process is simply asking
each person to describe, in detail, the meaning he or she
gives to an event.
“He never gives me his full attention,” Jerri said. “He
finds anything to distract him—traffic, the sports page,
whatever. And then he gives me the rest of the paper, like
he thinks I’m behind on current events.”
Tom’s jaw dropped. The motives Jerri had ascribed to his
actions had nothing to do with his real intentions. “All I
wanted to do was check the baseball scores—my dad and
I used to do that. I gave Jerri the rest of the paper because
my mom always read it.”
Likewise, when Jerri began to cry, Tom knew that, as he
put it, “she was accusing me of being a bad husband,
trying to control me.” This could not have been further
from Jerri’s intent. “I needed his attention for five minutes
over breakfast. If I get that, I feel close to him all day.”
What to Do
Like Tom and Jerri, you’ll often find that the behavior you
don’t like is triggering insecurities, fears, or unfinished
grief. The next time you feel hatred flaring up, wait
until you’re no longer frothing mad, then calmly check
whether the meaning you attach to events is the same as
your partner’s intention, listen to the response, and then
suggest alternatives that might meet both your needs.
This technique can turn a maddening moment into an
opportunity for deeper mutual understanding and a
significantly happier relationship.