“But What If We Were Good?”
Joseph Delamerced, Former OJCL President
Every year, I try to play Certamen. And every year, I do not understand
how other people play Certamen. These are tips on how to play Certamen
from a person who is not entirely sure how Certamen is played.
1. Hacks
If you want to play Certamen, you need to know how to hack. That’s the only
explanation I have for some people. Certamen players like Gautam Apte and
Peter Hattemer are too elite. Speaking of which, they both wear glasses.
Coincidence?
2. Trading Up
Jimmy Garoppolo, is that you? If you want some big names like Larry Nance, Jr.
in your roster, you’re going to need to utilize the trade block. Unfortunately, the
trade deadline was at the beginning of the school year, so you’re out of luck there.
3. The Nick Foles Ideology
Are you an alternate or backup on your Certamen team? Have no fear. If your
star players injure their thumbs in Round 2, fill in for them. You’re guaranteed to
become MVP.
4. The “Tom Carroll / Kate Hattemer” Rule
If your name is Tom Carroll or Kate Hattemer, you are the best in the game. This
is one of the only rules that holds fast and true in Certamen. If your first name or
last name is shared with these legends, feel blessed (yes, Peter, we know).
5. Go Tilted
9 out of 10 successful Certamen players will go Tilted Towers (the other 1 still
insists on playing PUBG). There is an undeniable positive correlation between
the amount of points that you will score and the amount of Victory Royales that
you get in Fortnite.
6. Trust the Process
The Official Larry Dean Philosophy states, “labor omnia vincit,” which loosely
translates to, “Joseph, where is your homework?” Just kidding. Go study. It might work.
Joseph Delamerced has played Certamen at least one time, which leads
him to believe that he is qualified to provide unsolicited advice.
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