OH! Magazine - Australian Version October 2018 | Page 7

HEIDI
DI SANTO
when one party is still hurting and the
other party says ‘but I’ve already said
sorry’. Here empathy is required. If
you’ve said ‘sorry’ and the other party is
still upset, rather than arguing that
you’ve already apologised, step into
understanding. Ask ‘what can I do to
make this right?’; or say, ‘I’m confused;
please help me understand what’s going
on for you’; or say ‘you mean a lot to me
and you’re obviously hurting and I’ve
somehow caused this, so just know that
I’m willing to do whatever it takes to
work through this with you’. This helps
the other person to feel safe and
understood, and further open up so you
can reach a solution together. Unfortunately many people disengage
completely (and often permanently). As
mentioned above, their unhealed stuff
can get in the way of finding a
resolution. If this happens to you, just
know that you cannot force anyone to do
anything they don’t want to do. Despite
how badly you wish to find a resolution,
you need to respect the other person and
that may mean walking away. Learning to
deal with the feelings that arise within
you, is where your power lies. In a
nutshell, it’s about being able to sit with
uncomfortable emotions, but sadly, many
people don’t possess this ability.
4. Blaming People who are nice to your face but who
complain about you behind your back
are displaying disrespectful behaviour.
They have been taught to ‘be nice’ as
opposed to ‘be real’. It’s a learned
pattern that needs to be unlearned in
order for conflict to be resolved.
When conflict arises, many people blame
the other party entirely, rather than
looking at how they have also
contributed to the situation. Just know
that blaming is a victim’s game. There
are always two or more parties that
contribute to every conflict, and healing
arises when each party is able to accept
responsibility for their part.
5. Disengaging
You might initially go into your own ‘ego
defence’ mode, by putting up a wall
when someone confronts you. Criticism
can be harsh and hurtful, but take a
moment to realise that you’re not perfect
and how you deal with the hurt actually
matters. Once you’ve worked through
your emotions, it’s really important to
re-engage so you can attempt to work
things out.
6. Being two-faced
7. Lying
It’s very difficult to stay in a relationship
with someone who is unwilling to own up
to their mistakes and admit the truth.
This person has a strong ego, which is
getting in the way of creating and
sustaining authentic connections.
8. Taking offence and not speaking up
As mentioned before, people
unknowingly hurt others all the time. It’s
not intentional, but if you don’t speak up
and voice the pain, then there is no
chance of resolving it. People aren’t
mind-readers but most (if given the
opportunity) would want to make things
right.
9. Conscious loving disconnection
It can be hard for people who have done
a lot of work on themselves to interact
with people who haven’t. In an ideal
world, conflicts would be worked through
very quickly because each person would
have taken responsibility for the health
of their own inner world and would,
therefore, have the skills required for
this to happen. Unfortunately this isn’t
reality.
When someone only looks within when
you discuss a problem, it can become
hard work and emotionally exhausting to
keep bringing things up and ‘holding the
emotional load’ while the other person
plays catch up. When people walk away
from this type of relationship, they are
doing so with love, which is quite
different to the first option we mentioned
at the beginning of this article.
Regardless of what transpires during
conflict, healing can occur when two
parties are able to stay connected and
understand one another’s perspectives.
You see, conflict isn’t the problem. As
mentioned before, it’s actually healthy
because it can strengthen relationships;
the actual problem is most often, not
having the skills to be able to work
through conflict effectively. And this is
what needs to be addressed at an
individual level.
CONNECT WITH HEIDI VIA:
Web: theemotionalfitnessgym.com
Web: heidi.com.au
OH! MAGAZINE ( OCTOBER 2018 )
7