OH! Magazine - Australian Version October 2018 - Page 7

HEIDI DI SANTO when one party is still hurting and the other party says ‘but I’ve already said sorry’. Here empathy is required. If you’ve said ‘sorry’ and the other party is still upset, rather than arguing that you’ve already apologised, step into understanding. Ask ‘what can I do to make this right?’; or say, ‘I’m confused; please help me understand what’s going on for you’; or say ‘you mean a lot to me and you’re obviously hurting and I’ve somehow caused this, so just know that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to work through this with you’. This helps the other person to feel safe and understood, and further open up so you can reach a solution together. Unfortunately many people disengage completely (and often permanently). As mentioned above, their unhealed stuff can get in the way of finding a resolution. If this happens to you, just know that you cannot force anyone to do anything they don’t want to do. Despite how badly you wish to find a resolution, you need to respect the other person and that may mean walking away. Learning to deal with the feelings that arise within you, is where your power lies. In a nutshell, it’s about being able to sit with uncomfortable emotions, but sadly, many people don’t possess this ability. 4. Blaming People who are nice to your face but who complain about you behind your back are displaying disrespectful behaviour. They have been taught to ‘be nice’ as opposed to ‘be real’. It’s a learned pattern that needs to be unlearned in order for conflict to be resolved. When conflict arises, many people blame the other party entirely, rather than looking at how they have also contributed to the situation. Just know that blaming is a victim’s game. There are always two or more parties that contribute to every conflict, and healing arises when each party is able to accept responsibility for their part. 5. Disengaging You might initially go into your own ‘ego defence’ mode, by putting up a wall when someone confronts you. Criticism can be harsh and hurtful, but take a moment to realise that you’re not perfect and how you deal with the hurt actually matters. Once you’ve worked through your emotions, it’s really important to re-engage so you can attempt to work things out. 6. Being two-faced 7. Lying It’s very difficult to stay in a relationship with someone who is unwilling to own up to their mistakes and admit the truth. This person has a strong ego, which is getting in the way of creating and sustaining authentic connections. 8. Taking offence and not speaking up As mentioned before, people unknowingly hurt others all the time. It’s not intentional, but if you don’t speak up and voice the pain, then there is no chance of resolving it. People aren’t mind-readers but most (if given the opportunity) would want to make things right. 9. Conscious loving disconnection It can be hard for people who have done a lot of work on themselves to interact with people who haven’t. In an ideal world, conflicts would be worked through very quickly because each person would have taken responsibility for the health of their own inner world and would, therefore, have the skills required for this to happen. Unfortunately this isn’t reality. When someone only looks within when you discuss a problem, it can become hard work and emotionally exhausting to keep bringing things up and ‘holding the emotional load’ while the other person plays catch up. When people walk away from this type of relationship, they are doing so with love, which is quite different to the first option we mentioned at the beginning of this article. Regardless of what transpires during conflict, healing can occur when two parties are able to stay connected and understand one another’s perspectives. You see, conflict isn’t the problem. As mentioned before, it’s actually healthy because it can strengthen relationships; the actual problem is most often, not having the skills to be able to work through conflict effectively. And this is what needs to be addressed at an individual level. CONNECT WITH HEIDI VIA: Web: theemotionalfitnessgym.com Web: heidi.com.au OH! MAGAZINE ( OCTOBER 2018 ) 7