OH! Magazine - Australian Version October 2018 | Page 6

( EMOTIONAL FITNESS )
CONFLICT
& WHY THERE’S SO MUCH
Heidi Di Santo explores conflict and how to deal with it.
hether it be with your children,
friends, spouse, wider family,
neighbour or workmates, conflict is
inevitable. Being human means that
you’re going to cause or get hurt in
relationships and this can happen
intentionally or unintentionally. But
regardless of how it occurs, ‘hurt
feelings matter’ and problems arise
when these feelings get ‘swept under
the carpet’ and ignored.
W
Conflict is normal and actually very
healthy in relationships because it
brings issues out into the open to be
aired and hopefully resolved.
When relationship conflict arises, it can
go one of three ways:
1. It can end the relationship because
people aren’t able to work through
their hurt.
2. It can strengthen the relationship
and take things to a whole new
level; or
3. The relationship can become
superficial.
parts (within you) and pretend that
everything is okay. This creates
disharmony inside, because these hurt
parts just want to be understood and
respected (by you). Then, the process of
suppressing them drains you of energy.
In my experience, this ‘suppressed stuff’
is often at the root of things like anxiety,
depression, addiction, overwhelm and
burnout.
Sadly, many people haven’t yet made
the link between mental health
problems and relationships. And it’s not
just relationships with others that I’m
talking about. The relationship you have
with your own self is also critical.
Unfortunately, many people continue to
interact with others in ways that are
hurtful to both their own self and other
people, so it’s time we all learned a
more authentic way of being in
relationships, which ensures that
conflict can be successfully resolved.
Here are the main reasons conflict
doesn’t get resolved:
1. Taking offence and becoming defensive
Unfortunately many people don’t have
the necessary skills to work through
issues. Growing up they’ve been taught
to ‘keep the peace’ and ‘be nice’ but
this approach is a recipe for disaster in
terms of creating authentic connection
and conflict resolution. It also means
they take option three from above,
which can be detrimental to one’s
mental health.
You see, when you ‘put on your mask’
and continue on in a relationship
without having resolved the conflict,
you’re forced to suppress those hurt
6
OH! MAGAZINE ( OCTOBER 2018 )
When someone confronts you about an
issue, they’re doing so because they feel
hurt and they value the relationship
enough to bring it to your attention.
Being loving isn’t about always being
‘nice’, it’s about being ‘real’; and the
truth is, it takes someone who really
cares to step out of their comfort zone to
bring it to your attention. Often the
confrontation is done out of anger or
sadness, but you must realise that the
person doing the confronting is usually
coming from a place of pain. Sadly,
many people become very defensive
when they are confronted and they go
into ‘ego-protection mode’, justifying
and rationalising their words and
behaviour. But, this isn’t a loving thing
to do because it makes the issue about
you as opposed to them. Remember,
they are confronting you because they
are hurting.
In valuable relationships, it’s important
to stay open when someone confronts
you, despite how uncomfortable this
might make you feel. Because when you
work through all the emotion, you’ll
always come back to love, and
ultimately a stronger bond.
Unfortunately many people are unable
to do this because they get triggered
and go into their ‘own stuff’ and this
defensiveness closes them off to
authentic connection and finding a
resolution.
2. Black and white thinking
Taking an ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’
stance is at the heart of every conflict of
war. But in order for relationships to be
strengthened via conflict (and take the
second option), both parties need to be
able to see the ‘shades of grey’ in life.
Unfortunately, many people go into their
‘own stuff’ as mentioned above, which
prevents them from staying engaged.
3. Lack of empathy
‘Understanding engagement’ as opposed
to ‘judging disconnection’, is critical for
healing. Sadly, many people don’t
possess the skill of empathy, which is
being able to step into the other
person’s shoes and see the situation
from their perspective. An example is