OH! Magazine - Australian Version November 2018 | Page 23

HEIDI
DI SANTO
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Looking down upon others and
thinking you are better than them.
Black and white thinking (i.e. lack of
empathy – not being able to see
another side of the story).
Looking at this list, it is very easy to see
how everyone has engaged in disrespectful
behaviour at some stage in their life
(whether it be knowingly or unknowingly).
When it comes to disrespect, the first
step in ‘cleaning up your own backyard’ is
being able to look at what’s going on
inside of you that is enabling this to
happen. Because if your inner world was
a happy place for all of your emotional
parts to live, you’d truly understand how
hurtful being disrespectful is, and you’d
quickly put a stop to whatever behaviours
you’re engaging in.
The only reason that people are able to
turn a blind eye to disrespect is because
they are holding on to their own past hurt,
which needs to be resolved if the root
cause of bullying is to truly be addressed.
need to feel safe and they need to have
their feelings honored and validated.
Sadly, many children grow up in
environments where their feelings are
dishonored
and
invalidated,
and
childhood hurts are particularly traumatic.
When a young child experiences pain and
has nobody there to help them resolve
that pain, the emotion becomes stuck.
And the problem is compounded even
further, when the people who are meant
to provide the essential love and support
to the child are the ones inflicting the
pain!
When a child’s tears go unheard, the only
way forward for the child is to disconnect
from and suppress the part that is hurt.
This is how children learn to ‘wear a
mask’ and split off from their authentic
self. In my opinion, this ‘splitting off’ and
not remaining whole is at the root of
mental health problems such as
addiction, anxiety, depression and
exhaustion.
You see, ‘hurt feelings matter’ because
when it remains unresolved, pain can be
perpetuated and transferred from one
person to another. Sadly, in turning away from our wounded
self, we close down the parts within us
that are able to empathise with others,
and this is what enables us to do things
that are cruel, mean, hurtful and
ultimately disrespectful to others.
In order for children to grow into healthy
and emotionally balanced adults, they
need to be seen, heard, respected,
understood and loved by the people they
are surrounded by. This includes parents,
guardians, teachers, clergy, friends and
other family members. In a nutshell, they Unfortunately, this is how the bullying
cycle is perpetuate because people look
externally to solve problems that can only
be solved internally. In essence, they take
their unhealed ‘stuff’ out on others.
The good news is that you can end this
cycle. There’s truth in the saying ‘what
you feel you can heal, but what you resist
will persist’. Whatever is repressed in you
will express itself in your life in some way.
So if you want to put a stop to bullying or
disrespectful behaviours then it’s
important to take personal responsibility
for the health of your inner world, so you
don’t continue to inflict your unresolved
pain and problems onto others.
The healing process involves getting
access to and liberating the parts within
that have been shut down. By allowing
yourself to feel the pain that you’ve
suppressed, you can then make peace
with the past. It’s a kind of grieving
process that requires patience, love and
support. But the minute you dishonour
this process and shame those hurt parts
for feeling how they do, is the minute
they’ll shut down once again and you’ll
turn into the bully once more.
Becoming whole is the key. Integrating
lost parts back into your psyche is
paramount. Learning to love all of you is
the way to successful healing and habit
change. It’s a personal solution to a global
problem, but as the song lyric goes, ‘If
you wanna make the world a better place
take a look at yourself and make the
change’!
CONNECT WITH HEIDI VIA:
Web: theemotionalfitnessgym.com
Web: heidi.com.au
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MAGAZINE
MAGAZINE ( NOVEMBER
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