OH! Magazine - Australian Version June 2017 | Page 26

( Health )
SIX DOS AND DON’TS OF
RELATIONSHIPS
Dr Kacie Crisp shares six tips to sustaining successful relationships.
elationships should be easy and
fun! Or at least that’s the
perspective that I and my husband of 30
years, David Caddy, believe.
R
After being told that our relationship was
the one in 10,000 relationships – because
it actually works – we looked at what we do
that others don’t do, and what we don’t do
that others do. From here, we came up
with six dos (what we do that others don’t)
and six don’ts (what we don’t do that
many others do). Although I developed
this list thinking of adult couples, I have
found that the same problems arise in
friendships, parent/child relationships,
and most other relationships. So here they
are. Firstly, the six dos.
Tip 3. Receive their helpfulness and
contribution to your life Tip 6. Look at who you’re with, not who you
wish you were with
Because men have been trained by their
mothers to ‘show mummy you love me by
taking out the trash’ (as an example), they
tend to show their love by doing things for
you and by fixing things. If you insist on
doing everything yourself, reject these
gifts, which feels like a rejection to the
man like you’ve rejected the man himself. The best prediction of who someone will
be is who that person is right now. Of
course, people change and grow over time
but pretending that some annoying habit
will magically disappear because you wish
it so, is foolish. So too is constantly
comparing the person you are with, to
someone else, such as another relative, an
ideal mate or a previous partner. If the
characteristics of any of those people you
have known are deal breakers (i.e. you
believe your relationship must include
them – then look for someone who has
those characteristics, not someone you
can browbeat into having them in the
future.
Why would you do that, girls? Men can
give you so many things, large and small,
that make your life easier – from lifting
your suitcase, to fixing whatever they can
around the house.
Tip 4. Choose someone you like
Tip 1. Always remember that everything your
partner/friend does, is just an interesting
point of view
Doing this will end any possibility of
thinking ‘They did this to me!’ Imagine
how different things could be if you
believed that everything your partner
chooses has nothing to do with you, but
was merely an expression of him/her being
him or herself?
Do you enjoy the company of the person
you’re with, beyond the bedroom? Hot sex
or a hot body can fade with time, and you
will spend much more time with the
person out of bed than in it. Do you enjoy
their company, their unique points of view,
the ways they are different from you? Do
you value their opinions and do they
contribute to your life?
Tip 5. Live in the present
And now, here are the six don’ts.
Tip 1. Don’t criticise, argue, or say they’re
wrong
Criticising, arguing, and telling your
partner (or anyone) they’re wrong, only
makes them feel poorly about him or
herself. How can that contribute to your
relationship, when you make your partner
feel less?
Tip 2. Be grateful for who they are
Gratitude and judgement cannot exist in
the same universe, and judgement will
always kill a relationship. The more
grateful you are for the people in your life,
the more those qualities you are grateful
for will show up, and the less important
the don’t-likes will seem.
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OH! MAGAZINE ( JUNE 2017 )
The best way to know if a relationship will
‘succeed’ (i.e. continue into the future), is
to look at whether it’s working now. Is it
easy? Are you having fun together? Are
they an addition to your life? If the answer
is ‘yes’, then you’re on the right track. If
it’s not, then what are you waiting for? If
it’s not fun now, why do you think moving
in together/getting engaged/having a baby
or some other future event will change it?
Tip 2. Don’t try to change your partner
The only person you can change is
yourself. We’re all inner 2-year-olds at
heart. If someone tells us what to do, our
first instinct is to dig in our heels and say
“No!” Only when you have no point of
view whatsoever about the person’s
behavior, no matter how annoying/wrong/
inappropriate it is, will they have the
space and freedom to change it.