OH! Magazine - Australian Version December 2018 | Page 9

HEIDI
DI SANTO
learns the lessons they needed to learn
so they can grow and consciously evolve
as a human.
3. Staying engaged for too long and not
speaking up
Many people believe that relationships
‘should be conflict free’ and so try to
avoid conflict at any cost. But the truth
is that conflict is very normal and
actually very healthy in relationships
because it brings issues out into the
open, to hopefully be resolved. It’s the
working through problems and sticking
together through hard times that actually
brings people closer. And having the
belief that relationships should be drama
free actually sets you up for failure
because it means you miss this important
step!
Some people are afraid to discuss their
problems with their partner because
they’re worried it will end the
relationship.
It
happens
when
relationships operate out of fear as
opposed to love. It’s where people tiptoe
around their partner afraid of ‘rocking
the boat’ by speaking up. But this is just
a game of emotional blackmail that isn’t
healthy. You see, when you ‘shut down’
and ‘shut up’ and ‘hold back from
speaking your truth’, you need to
suppress a part of you that feels upset,
hurt or disrespected. And doing so
causes disharmony within (because you
have to split off from the real you), and
this isn’t good for your mental health!
This approach just delays the inevitable.
You see, holding back on the little truths
means that the little things can become
the big things that could end the
relationship. It also means that one day
you might ‘flip a switch’ and burst out in
a way that you might later regret!
Having the courage to disengage, stop
playing ‘the game’ and walk away is
where your ultimate power lies. But this
takes a lot of self-love and many people
have unhealed wounds that keep them
bound to others in ways that are
dysfunctional and toxic. And healing
from this is something that needs to be
addressed by each individual so change
for the better can be made. setting a good example for the young and
impressionable people surrounding you?
4. Not resolving conflict when you do
speak up Actions speak far louder than words in
relationships and it’s your responsibility
to do the necessary ‘inner work’ to be
able to stand up for yourself and create
‘respect and equality’ in relationships so
that love can truly flourish and so you
can teach others to do the same.
A big problem in relationships is not
having the skills to deal with conflict
when it arises. You see even if you do
speak up, if the issue isn’t fully resolved,
the love will get covered up by anger and
resentment, which is often at the root of
many breakdowns. It’s also why the
original love in relationships can so
easily turn to hate.
Getting angry and ‘letting off steam’ is
not enough when you experience
problems in your relationship. Being
able to work through issues so both
parties feel resolved is essential for the
relationship to stand the test of time.
Unfortunately, many people live like two
ships passing one another in the night –
never truly ‘seeing’ one another. For a
relationship to work, you need to truly
understand one another, and this
requires empathy. It’s a skill that can be
learned and is essential for authentic
connection.
5. Poor role modelling
Children learn about relationships by
watching and mimicking adults. So what
sort of an example did the adults around
you provide, as you grew up and are you
When you allow yourself to be
disrespected and when you ‘sweep
things under the carpet’, you send the
message that it’s okay to be this
disrespected in relationships and it’s
okay to hold back on speaking up and
setting clear boundaries.
If people have the skills to work through
their ‘stuff’ and stay engaged with the
significant and important people in their
life during difficult times, then the world
would be a much better place to live
because things will get worked through
and worked out. But, only you as an
individual can improve this! The idea is
to do the necessary inner work so you
have the best chance of transforming
your
relationships
from
being
‘emotionally stifling’ into real, healthy
and loving connections, where you’re
free to be you, where your partner is free
to be their own self, and where you both
feel respected and understood. If you’d
like to know more about how to achieve
this, check out the free training available
from The Emotional Fitness Gym.
CONNECT WITH HEIDI VIA:
Web: theemotionalfitnessgym.com
Web: heidi.com.au
OH! MAGAZINE ( DECEMBER 2018 )
9