OH! Magazine - Australian Version August 2018 | Page 9

( FOCUS ON FAMILY )
HOW TO PUT AN END TO
PERFECTIONISM
Eloise King explains the value of role-modelling self-love,
to reduce the risk of perfectionism developing in your kids.
larming new research shows that
perfectionism is on the rise – a
clinical condition now linked to depression,
anxiety, eating disorders, early morbidity,
suicide ideation and suicide itself – and
it’s messing with the way we parent.
A
Mums’ and dads’ anxieties about raising
kids who can hold their own in an
increasingly competitive world, are paving
the way for the growth of our offspring’s
inner critics. To clarify, perfectionism is
not a behaviour, but rather a highly critical
way of being in relationship with oneself;
and alarmingly, studies are confirming it
can make us sick, sad or even contribute
to premature death.
One of the best ways to protect your
offspring against their own inner beast, is
to become a positive role-model in the
practice of self-love, self-compassion and
self-care. Here’s how to get started.
1. Set realistic goals
Do you expect exceptionally high standards
of yourself? Are you pushing them onto
your kids? Perfectionists have lofty goals
that either verge on impossible or require
an unpleasant amount of self-sacrifice to
achieve.
Healthy goals require you to stretch, but
are realistic and attainable with the
application of a sustainable level of effort.
When you achieve your goal, be sure to
acknowledge your achievement and
celebrate it with your children so they see
you recognising your progress and efforts
after a job well done.
Check yourself: Examine your goals and
challenge those that are excessively lofty
so you can reset them to be realistic and
more easily attainable.
2. Demonstrate self-compassion
Self-criticism is a deeply ingrained way of
being for the perfectionist. Self-
compassion involves saying kind things to
yourself when you make a mistake or find
yourself in the midst of a difficulty.
Role-modelling self-compassion may
require you to wear kind inner-dialogue on
the outside, saying things like, ‘You know,
this is a really tough time for me. It’s very
difficult for me to experience this [insert
bad news, result, mistake or failing] so I’m
just going to be kind and gentle with
myself today.’
Kids internalise the dominant voices in
their lives, so hearing a parent speaking
kindly when they mess up too (a bad
school test result), or when things go
wrong (they accidentally caught the wrong
bus home) can also help.
that should be.
Mindfulness is the art of being present in
the moment, without judging whatever is.
It buffers us against our tendency to judge
people, places or things negatively (for
perfectionists, often themselves), and
helps us to make better life decisions.
Check yourself: Do you find yourself
worrying about the future, ruminating over
the past, or living your life to impress the
people around you? If your answer is ‘yes’,
check out mindfulness and other research-
based positive habits as prescribed in The
Self-Love Project.
Eloise King is an author, researcher and
mother, as well as a recovering perfectionist
and facilitator of The Self-Love Project,
which is a six-week online program
supporting perfectionists to reprogram
themselves for more self-kindness,
compassion and love. To learn more visit
www.theselfloveproject.com
Check yourself: Tune into your inner
dialogue and influence your inner critic to
use words and phrases that are kind and
self-loving.
3. Integrate mindfulness
Slow down, breathe deeply into your belly
often, know yourself deeply, say ‘no’ to
things that stress you out, say ‘yes’ to
things that make you feel alive, create
more space in your day, be consciously
engaged in each present moment and
allow yourself to be your true self, not
anyone else’s version or standard of what
OH! MAGAZINE ( AUGUST 2018 )
9