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NE W S
Russian government considering extermination
of stray Olympians
EVAN IVKOVIC
Staff Writer
The winter Olympics in Sochi have produced
some memorable moments thus far, including the
release of photos revealing the construction of
side-by-side toilets, complaints of poorly designed
courses, Russian cronyism inflating the cost of
the games, back room dealings amongst figure
skating judges, and reports of the comically small
beds being slept on by the respective men’s hockey
teams. But once the games are over the Russian
government has to deal with an impending problem: what will it do with all the stray Olympians? Unless the issue resolves itself, Russia says it
might exterminate them.
Public reaction to the possibility of Russia
exterminating stray Olympians has been largely
muted and apathetic in character. However, one
charity organization, Adopt-An-Olympian, has
been strongly opposing the decision to exterminate. Jamie Greenwich, president of AdoptAn-Olympian, says he has been running his
adoption agency for the past 20 years, finding
homes for over 1000 stray Olympians thus far.
Jamie Greenwich also said, “It’s unfortunate
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that it happens after every Olympics.PM Once the
games are over, people realize how useless it is
to sponsor a professional athlete in an esoteric
sport such as the [always hilarious] two-man
luge. And once people realize that, they sort
of just leave the athletes behind. But at AdoptAn-Olympian, we make sure we find homes for
as many stray Olympians as we can, while also
trying to find the best match between them and
their adoptive parents. In fact, I adopted a Chinese gymnast from the last Olympics, and I even
got her an adorable Olympian-house in the backyard for her to sleep in. Not only have I saved
the life of a stray Olympian, but I’ve also been
richly rewarded myself.”
I attempted to approach Putin for a comment. After nervously waiting for him in his
office as angry Russian men continually leered
at me, Putin gloriously rode his stead into the
room while wearing the pelt of a bear he recently
killed, caressing two naked blonde women and
being shirtless. With my knees trembling in
the presence of his magnificence, I asked Putin
about Russia’s plan to exterminate stray Olympians. As his lips began to move, I fainted. After
waking from my comatose state 5 days later, I
managed to successfully ask the same question to
Putin without passing out. Putin said, “Listen, it
is like, what you say, troublesome situation. We
are dealing with it in best way we can. And to
Russians, best way involves guns. Lots of guns.”
The situation involving Gus Kensworthy
poses unique problems for Putin and the Rus