An Open Letter
TO THE TAXMANS
Dear Mr and Mrs Taxman,
WARNER’S CORNER
DAVE WARNER
Star 102.7
I was grateful to receive your letter praising my last year’s tax
return as ‘outstanding’, but you might want to cool your jets in
the praise department because I haven’t actually done it yet.
Oh! Late? Right. Is it true you’re not allowed to look out your
window in the morning? Because it would give you nothing to
do in the afternoon?
I’d like you to cast your cold lifeless eyes over some ideas you
might consider taxing out of existence in next year’s budget,
stuff that in no way enhances our quality of life or provides any
real benefits to the people of Australia. And they sorta shit me.
I’d like to see a heavy tax on: 1. People called David Koche
who enter a cyclone watch area. More destructive than the
actual weather event. 2. Fidget Spinners. Sorry kids but a stick
is more interesting. 3. Spoilt young Australian tennis players
who don’t have a crack. GET OFF MY LAWN! 4. Entering a lift
before anyone’s had a chance to exit. Rude. 5. I can’t believe
this is still happening, but Polo shirt collars in the upright
position, not many blokes still do it, but it’s wrecking the game
of golf for everyone. 6. Strollers, trolleys or bikes parked across
the doorway of a shop. 7. Unless you’re a cricketer, a karate
instructor or a Jedi Knight, white pants worn by blokes under
the age of 30.
Before I start filling out my, as you so kindly put it, outstanding
tax return, I have one last question. If I fulfill my Grandmothers
dying wish and spread her ashes over the sea, am I considered a
carbon polluter and will I get slugged with some sort of Carbon
Tax? If so, she can continue to ‘over sea’ the mantelpiece.
P.S. Everyone hates you.
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