Jottings from previous page
fake pistol and demanding that staff hand over cash from the tills . His companion , who reportedly had a full complement of healthy limbs , managed to escape .
Workers from North Yorkshire Council turned up one morning in late September and started painting yellow zig-zag lines on the road outside the school building in the village of Grewelthorpe . Unfortunately , the school closed 18 years ago and is now a private home .
To make matters worse , when the home owner pointed this out to the workers , they continued until the job was finished . They actually used the phrases which are so beloved of Jobsworths , “ Nothing to do with me mate . I ’ m just being paid to do the job ” ... And then added , “ If I was you , I ’ d come out with a tin of black paint once I ’ ve gone and paint it over .”
North Yorkshire County Council ' s highways team said it was a “ genuine error .” ( Er ... yes , I think we probably guessed that ...)
Spare a thought for ...
.. people in Bilbao who reported seeing the body of a drowned girl in the in the dead of night , which rises and falls with the water . The artist said it was part of a sustainability campaign to make people aware that “ their actions can sink us or keep us afloat .” ( OK , we ’ ve got that ...)
... Beyhan Mutlu from Turkey who wandered off while drinking with friends . When he failed to return , his wife alerted the police . Meanwhile , Beyhan met and joined a group of people searching the countryside to find a missing person , but it was not until sometime later that he realised that they were actually searching for him . ( Oops ...)
... the congregation of St Michael ’ s in Bournemouth whose vicar , Reverend Sarah Yetman , is making changes to make it “ attractive and engaging for younger generations .” With that reasoning , she has decided that the Victorian church will henceforth be named St Mike ’ s .
... all of us who have been pronouncing the name IKEA wrongly , according to a recent Twitter debate . The Swedish retailer ’ s name was coined by its founder Ingvar Kamprad in 1943 and how to say it correctly has become the subject of a tutorial on You Tube . Like Spanish , the Swedish letter I is usually pronounced as an E – so not eye-kee-ah but ee-kee-ah .
– UK PM Boris Johnson addressing the Conservative Party Conference last month . He also threw in references to fibre optic vermicelli , monkey glands , coagulated roundabouts , royal jelly and pensive quills . ( The Tartarian pit is a reference to the Tartarian Empire , a lost civilisation from north-central Asia . But you knew that already , didn ’ t you ?)
“ Social media has become a coward ’ s palace where people can just go on there , not say who they are , destroy people ’ s lives and say the most foul and offensive things to people , and do so with impunity ” – Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison speaking last month .
“ We seem to be losing our ability to laugh at ourselves and our world .” – David Zukerman , director of classic comedy movies including Airplane and Naked Movies , on why studio executives would be too scared to make such films nowadays .
“ What kind of future does a university have where intimidation determines what is said or taught ?” – Professor Kathleen Stock of Sussex University .
“ It ’ s a beautiful thing , the destruction of words .” - George Orwell , Nineteen Eighty Four
Nervión River which runs through the city . It was actually an artwork , installed
Quotes
“ The NHS saved me and our wonderful nurses pulled my chestnuts out of that Tartarian pit .”
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
26