By Philip Wong
Indulging in Faded Memories
By Philip Wong
“ Time passes. Memories fade. People leave. But hearts never forget.” This used to be my granny’ s favourite quote. Every time she wrote to me, the beloved apple of her eye, she would deliberately save a large blank space for this quote. Just like creating a masterpiece, the words were written slowly and carefully, wanting to convey some special meaning, as if quoting the wise words of the Bible. In the old days, when innocence and ignorance prevailed, I didn’ t understand her words and simply thought that she was a fanatic of calligraphy. As time has gone by, when I eventually figured out what she actually meant, it was too late. Yes, it’ s too late now …
Having left my granny’ s hometown for eight years, I feel extremely nostalgic when returning to the place that has been constantly appearing in my dreams. Everything seems so familiar yet unfamiliar to me. Same furniture, same decoration and surroundings; most of them resemble the memories made in my childhood, except the bunch of pill bags and the electric blood pressure meter placed beside her bed, spreading a sense of coldness and darkness in her room.
She lies on the bed peacefully. Without making any noise, she falls into an eternal slumber, sentenced by Time and Death. As amiable as I remember she was, this familiar face is now marred by the tiredness and inanition, and also the wrinkles left by Time. Under the gloomy light, she looks fragile, as if she would turn to dust if I touched her. I wish I could have hugged her while she was fighting against disease, giving her a bit of warmth and letting her know how much I loved her.
A few years ago, my granny was diagnosed as having cardiovascular disease( CVD), or heart disease. Hearing the news from Mum, I was completely shocked and devastated. All the forgotten memories with Granny suddenly burst into my mind like roaring water from an opened tap, which further triggered my worries and fear of losing her. My impulsiveness drove me to pack my belongings and rush to see her; however, my father stopped me. He kept saying,“ Granny is fine and seeing her now is not good timing. She has to rest,” though his face unconsciously revealed his anxiety for her. It seemed that he was trying to hide something from me for unknown reasons. Despite the intense argument I had with my father, I did not manage to see her, as my passport was confiscated by my father.
In the years that have gone by, I return to this place filled with the doom and gloom. Ironically, this reunion is also our disunion, driving my granny and me apart. Wandering around her room, many pieces of“ me” can be easily found, and it feels like old scenes are being replayed. The drawings that I gave her are hung on the walls; the“ Best Granny Award” certificate is finely framed upon her bed; the shiny finger stone that I collected is properly placed inside her jewellery box … My eyes keep looping among the stuff until seeing a yellowing dusty paper. Perhaps it is an illusion or hallucination, but the name on the paper magically attracts my attention. I go to it, open up the folded piece of paper and start reading. As if she has appeared in front of me, the words explain everything to me, including why I was prohibited to go visit her until her death.
Alzheimer’ s Disease. These two little words in the middle of the letter pop into my mind, stirring something in the deepest part of my heart. Before my granny was diagnosed with CVD, Fate had been secretly stealing her memories. She used to be good at remembering things, a talent which she demonstrated while playing memory games with me when I was a child. I thought losing one of her strongest talents would have been a great blow to her. Yet, all these cruel facts never defeated her optimistic view of life. Knowing that she was diagnosed with more than one disease, she was very optimistic and considerate. As she used to say,“ When one door closes, another one opens,” she treated such challenges as a normal part of life that everybody goes through. Rather than grieving, she chose to spend the remaining time building tangible and sweet memories with her family while she still remembered.
9 MARCH 2018