This is a passive stance that surrenders control to the situation . In other words , you ’ ve allowed the situation to take you hostage .
When you believe in “ influence ,” you take back control — and also your ability to affect the outcome . You switch from the zero-sum game of bargaining to the positive-sum game of negotiation .
One of the many insights about life from Molly Bloom ’ s book “ Molly ’ s Game ” is that everyone pretty much has the same luck . In case you ’ re unfamiliar , Molly ran highstakes poker games in Los Angeles and New York City . To keep the games together and thriving over time , she needed to make sure the players were all at about the same skill level . The players would have good nights where they won big , and they would have bad nights where they lost big . But over the course of a year , if the players were evenly matched , they would all pretty much break even .
Leverage equates to luck . So what ’ s the difference maker ? The time you spend increasing your skills .
2 . YOU ’ RE AFRAID TO STRESS-TEST WHETHER OR NOT YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND .
The great misinterpretation of the advice from Stephen Covey that tells us to “ seek first to understand , then to be understood ” occurs when people convince themselves they actually do understand — usually based on prior research or experience — and then tailor their pitch / value proposition ( i . e ., “ argument ”) without checking with the counterpart ( prospect or client ) to see if they are right .
No matter what you ’ re telling yourself about this , your win rate is lower than it should be , and you absolutely are leaving money on the table .
If you ’ re not willing to stress-test your understanding with your counterpart , what are you really saying ? What are you afraid of ?
Did you work too hard on your research to be willing to be surprised ? Are you too embarrassed by potentially being corrected ?
Many people learned a phrase when they were young that has paralyzed them for life : It ’ s better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt . This may be some of the worst advice in the history of humankind .
Whatever is holding you back , release yourself from this fear ! Please don ’ t allow it to keep you hostage .
3 . YOU FEAR NEGATIVE EMOTIONS VERSUS PROACTIVELY DEFUSING THEM ( THE VOLDEMORT EFFECT ).
Actually , it ’ s exactly the opposite . Naming negative emotions defuses them more effectively than anything else . And if they don ’ t yet exist ? Inoculation . Ridiculous , right ?
You probably do this wrong or inefficiently in one of three ways :
1 . You deny negative emotions ( e . g ., “ I don ’ t want to seem … ,” or “ I don ’ t want you to feel … ”).
2 . You ignore them ( e . g ., “ They must not be named !” and “ Speak about them , and they will appear .”).
3 . You let people vent . Let ’ s start with number three and why you do that .
It ’ s primarily a learned response to number one . You tried to tell someone not to feel some negative emotion and they blew up ! So , you at least learned to keep quiet and wait for them to run out of energy .
The problem with that is it takes a really long time . Most negative emotions have a “ self-righteousness ” feeling that goes along with them , and it tends to feed the beast of negativity .
Along those lines , you start to engage in number two — you don ’ t bring them up at all and hope they don ’ t rear their ugly head . The problem there is that unexpressed negative emotions never die . They fester like an infection . Sometimes they even turn into cancer .
Because of these dynamics , it seems ridiculous to think that naming them defuses them , let alone inoculates us from them . But it does , and it ’ s really that simple .
This may be one of the most powerful aspects of The Black Swan Method and one of the key reasons our clients accelerate and make life-changing deals on a regular basis .
Christopher Voss is the CEO of The Black Swan Group , a firm that solves business negotiation problems with hostage negotiation strategies . Chris founded the Black Swan Group , in 2008 upon his retirement from the FBI where he was the FBI ’ s lead international kidnapping negotiator . Chris is also an Adjunct Professor at the University of Southern California ( USC ) Marshall School of Business and Georgetown University ’ s McDonough School of Business where he teaches business negotiation in both MBA programs .
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