new church life: september/october 2015
of affection, thought and life. Couples
who have been married for many years
seem to think and feel as a one, and
cannot imagine being separate from
the other. It is not simply that they live
together, but that something special
is taking place deep within their very
lives, transforming them.
This is not done in a way that can
be measured. There is no yardstick to
see how much people love each other.
Because the love is deep within, joining their lives, we only catch glimpses of it
in this natural world. So there are times when the love is not felt on a conscious
plane as much as at other times. This does not mean that it is gone, simply that
natural challenges, such as financial worries or selfish impulses, are preventing
it from being felt as before.
And how can a genuine love in marriage grow, or how are we to deal with
difficult times? The secret is frien dship. Friendship is described as “the face of
[conjugial] love and also its garment; for friendship both attaches itself to love
like a garment and combines itself with it like a face.” (Conjugial Love 214:2)
As the face and clothing are what we see of others, so it is how conjugial love
presents itself.
Thus everything we know about friendship in general applies to marriage.
And all of our efforts to become better friends to people, whether we are
married or not, prepares us to become better married partners. For friendship
is based on similar loves and affections, it carries with it a responsibility to care
for the other, it has a tolerance for the other’s foibles, and it sees and promotes
what is good in the other person. (See Spiritual Experiences 1137, 2011; Arcana
Coelestia 4804; Apocalypse Explained 204:2)
Such friendship, the doctrines of the New Church tell us, have a holy fear
within – “a fear of injuring and also respect.” (Ibid. 696:4) Wishing well for
one’s spouse, thinking about his or her well-being, and doing what we can to
make it happen, is a wonderful trait of friendship.
So much of this is seen in this teaching of the Lord: “Greater love has no
one than this, than to lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13) While this
verse is frequently cited to express thanks to those who have defended their
country in times of war, even to the point of dying for it, which is true, it also
has application in friendships. For if we are to be genuine friends with others,
we are to set our selfish life down, giving up some of ourselves, that our friends
may be supported. To be a good spouse is to be a good friend.
So friendship in marriage has a three-fold role: friendship is a bridge,
How can a genuine love
in marriage grow, or
how are we to deal with
difficult times? The
secret is friendship.
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