a stabilizing factor, and then a means
of resolving problems. (Conjugial Love
214)
As a bridge, friendship creates a
transition from the initial stages of
love to a more normal genuine love
between a couple. The Writings note:
Friendship in marriage
has a three-fold role:
friendship is a bridge,
a stabilizing factor,
and then a means of
resolving problems.
When friendship and mutual trust
join together with the first love in
marriage, conjugial love results, which
opens the partners’ hearts and inspires
in them the sweet enjoyments of love,
and this more and more deeply as
friendship and trust are added to the original love, and as that original love enters
into this friendship and trust and they into it. (Conjugial Love 162)
Everyone knows that the initial romance of love fades with time. Those
early phases of marriage are absolutely wonderful and exist as a prelude
and a foretaste of what heaven will be like. It is an incredibly selfless time,
as we would do anything for the happiness of our new spouse. But because
no one is regenerate, especially in the early phases of marriage on this earth,
that honeymoon state tends to have a short duration. We return to whatever
spiritual developmental stage we were at previously. It is in friendship with our
spouse that those initial feelings of love can deepen and grow.
Friendship also adds stability to marriage because of trust. If we are secure
in our friendship with our spouse, we have the freedom to see problems and to
work on them rather than avoid them and let them fester. If we know that even
if we’re not perfect our spouse will still love us and stand by us, it’s far easier to
recognize problems and to deal with them openly and honestly. This can “still
the troubles” in marriage. (Conjugial Love 271) It is how we tolerate each other
on our “off ” days.
Then the final way in which friendship plays a critical role in marriage
is when there are significant problems. In states of cold, when there is little if
any warmth felt toward the other person, the hells are ever present, trying to
convince us that there is no love left. In fact, they suggest to us that because
that other person is irritating us or making our life miserable, we have the
right to ignore, abuse, or treat our spouse worse than we would anyone else
we know. No wonder divorce so often follows from this; it is the siren call of
the hells.
At these times when warmth is not felt, the challenge is to force ourselves
to treat the other person with decency and respect. This is how we would treat
a friend, even if that friend is in a state that we don’t like. When we compel
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