4. Encourage Externalization of Grief
Let someone know that it is okay to cry. (Actually, big boys do cry.) But
also realize that crying is not the only way that people grieve. The individual
may not be a crier. Maybe they need to have a punching bag installed in their
basement because some people need a physical energy release of some other
kind. Try to encourage that, if it is their way. People may need to write down
their ideas, just talk with you, or do a ritual of some sort that has special
meaning to them.
5. Be Available - Listen
It is helpful to be there to listen – not just being a warm body, but being
there emotionally for the person. If you also are sad over the loss of this person
cry with them. Don’t assume that someone wants you to hold them if they are
crying. They may not want to be touched. It is best if we can ask something
like, “How can I be supportive? Would you like me to hold you?”
6. Assist in Practical and Concrete Ways - Be Specific in Offers to
Help
We are all probably most familiar with the Mourner’s Buffet. That is, when
someone dies many people will bring over a dish of food for the family. We
may scoff at this but actually it is one of the most important things we can do
to help. People who are grieving will often not have the energy to cook, clean,
shop, or even eat. Grieving is a very draining process and people need to keep
up their strength. So helping in very tangible ways like this is extremely useful.
We may not really know what to say at these times, but helping this way says
a lot.
Someone who is grieving may not know what they need so when asking
if you can help try to be specific. For example, “Can I take care of the children
for the afternoon for you?” “Could I make dinner for you tonight?” “Can I go
shopping for you?” “Can I clean up the kitchen and bathrooms for you or do
the laundry?” These are extremely helpful things that we may not always think
of, but they will not go unappreciated.
The death of a loved one is a very difficult time. We have the opportunity
to be of use in very tangible ways at a time like this. Just because someone
doesn’t ask for help doesn’t mean they don’t need it.
As a church we have beautiful teachings to support people at this difficult
time. But we also have wonderful people who can support one another in
meaningful and helpful ways. The most important thing is to be available to
each other at these times emotionally, physically and practically.
Contact: [email protected]
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