new church life: march/april 2017
They will eventually start to resume the activities of their “normal” life, like
shopping, cleaning, going to work and socializing – but that doesn’t mean that
their grief has been resolved or that they are over it.
So what are some of the things that we can do to help somebody after the
death of a loved one?
One of the first things we can do is not assume we know how they feel or
try to discount the grief they are experiencing.
Here are six helping strategies that I learned in a class on Grief and Loss
that we can use to help those who have lost a loved one.
1. Give permission to grieve
Tell the person that you are sorry about their loss. Or let them know that
they have a right to be in pain. It may be of a comfort to know that they are
not insane but that what they are experiencing is quite normal. I was struck
by a story of a minister who came to someone’s house after they lost a loved
one and instead of saying the normal, “He’s in a better place and in better
hands,” he said, “It hurts like hell, doesn’t it?” This was exactly what the man
was thinking and feeling. He wasn’t feeling that it was for the best that he had
lost his son or that everything was fine. It wasn’t.
2. Avoid the Conspiracy of Silence
We have a tendency not to want to bring up discussion about the deceased
because it may cause pain. But we need to know that the person who has lost
a loved one most likely wants to talk about it with someone – maybe even
needs to talk about it. We go to the person’s house and neither of us brings it
up because we don’t know if the other person can handle it so it becomes this
huge barrier. You may just say, “I am sorry about your husband. Do you want
to talk about this?” It is important to invite them to talk about it, never force
them.
With children we need to remember that they grieve also. Just because
they may not manifest it the same way that we do doesn’t mean that they aren’t
sad. Talk with them about it. They may need to ask a lot of questions over a
long period of time because they can only understand so much at one time
about such an event. And don’t tell them something that isn’t true, such as,
“Mommy went on a long trip,” or “Grandma is sleeping for a long time.” These
two things are both reversible and so they may expect them to return. Or they
may be afraid to go to sleep for fear they will sleep so long or be taken away.
3. Recognize Anniversary Dates
On occasions like the anniversary of someone’s death or around festive
times like Christmas try to be especially supportive. At these times especially
strong emotions may bubble back to the surface. Organizing a get-together of
friends can be useful. Inactivity is not useful to someone who is grieving. Try
to phone, send a card, or visit someone at these times, or make sure they have
people around.
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