with me were very intimidated by the intense man with huge hands who often showed up at the center . I was cool because I knew what I had and wasn ’ t trying to lose it .
“ You love that job , don ’ t you ?” he asked one Friday night while we were drinking Southern Comfort and listening to Janis Joplin ’ s greatest hits . I was huge into Janis Joplin music at the time .
“ I do love it ,” I told him . “ I ’ m making a difference .”
“ You love the attention too , don ’ t you ?” “ What attention ?”
“ Baby please ,” he shot back . “ Don ’ t act like you don ’ t notice the male attention . The other day one of my soldiers , a white boy , was talking about the pretty black lady with the sexy voice at the clinic . I know if the white boys are talking , what brothers are saying ?”
“ I have no control over any of that ,” I replied , unfazed by his unwarranted insecurity . “ All I can do is carry myself like your wife and a professional . And I do . You spend time with friends , you go clubbing and all that , and I ’ m not grieving you . Or maybe you ’ re doing something and accusing me by default .”
“ Don ’ t turn this around , you ’ re not slick ,” he countered .
“ Not trying to be , but you ’ re not going to tuck me away while you ’ re out living a full life ,” I warned , watching him closely .
He lifted his glass to me and changed the subject . He knew I was going to give as well as I got every single time . I knew he loved me , but I couldn ’ t allow him to cage what made me , “ me and free .” To this day he denies that ’ s what was going on , but I knew . I heard from too many women who threw away dreams and careers only to regret it years later . That would not be me . He would never doubt my love or support , but I needed to be as free to flourish as he did . That was equal marriage to me . I decided at the gate that I needed things to be as even and equal as possible .
As women who want to be married or longterm coupled , we must realize that what we start with is how we end . If we start allowing ourselves to be manipulated or ‘ caged ’ that is often our life . Before any long-term engagements occur , we must be clear on who we are and our expectations as well as what we will and will not live with or through . We must also remember , he has his own identity and is more than just our husband . Things he enjoyed will not change simply because he married you . The thing is for both partners to honor vows , and each other with honesty and truth . I am a testimony that it works .
Ironically , when I started writing twentyeight years after we married , he was the one who suggested I use Angelia Vernon Menchan as my writing name . By then I could care less . Besides , my youngest had my maiden name as his middle name as a way to honor my mom .
Nowadays , we laugh about those experience . Well , I laugh , and Mister chuckles . Slightly .
Be PEACE ! # JustLOVE Angelia Vernon Menchan
10 | NKLC Magazine