Naleighna Kai's Literary Cafe Magazine NKLC Summer Edition | Page 35

Mr . Bury M . Deep )— who bore an uncanny resemblance to Ole King Cole or Humpty Dumpty ( take your pick ) and who had never met Mother Eternal ( but like everyone in Pelzer , South Carolina , he ’ d had heard all sorts of rumors )— was done , he decided to tell folk he was certain she was gonna be met at Heaven ’ s gate by Peter , Paul , and Mary . The 60 ’ s folk-singing trio would sing “ If I Had a Hammer ” a possible reference to the one time Mother Eternal threatened one of the ushers with a mallet when she didn ’ t get her change back from the twenty dollars she ’ d given for offering . She ’ d told the woman she was to give two dollars to the Speaker and a dollar to the preacher and bring back her seventeen dollars . Somehow between the offering plate making its rounds and the usher ’ s faulty memory , that seventeen dollars didn ’ t make it where it was supposed to be . Mother Eternal thought a hammer upside the head should bring things back to the woman ’ s remembrance .
Ten minutes later , Mr . Bury M . Deep was about to close out the funeral service but remembered he ’ d forgotten to let Mothers ’ friends and family walk up for a last glance before they shut the casket lid on the last chapter of the sordid book that was her life . That ’ s when her forty-year-old drunken nephew Buddy , a jaundiced-colored bachelor , accidentally or on purpose , caressed the ample derrière of a member of the Nurse ’ s Board . She , being of unsound mind , slapped Buddy almost into sobriety . Buddy ’ s reflexes , slowed a bit by his drunkenness , returned the favor causing the Nurse to forget her “ I ’ m Saved and You Better Know It ” testa-lie . She slapped him so hard Buddy started yelling “ Help me Johnny Walker Red ” while she pleaded , “ Jesus I need mo ’ strength .”
When they finished tussling , which had gone on a few minutes longer than it should have because no one was interested in breaking up the fight , Buddy told the Nurse , “ You better not hit me no mo ’ cause I ’ m part Indian .”
The Usher , out of breath and definitely confused , looked bewildered or in more pain than she wanted to let on , replied , “ What part Indian ? Negro please , every Black I know claims they is part Navajo , Cherokee or Arapaho . So who is you ?”
Buddy , now mad because he was thisclose to being completely sober , gritted his teeth . With his feet planted firmly on the funeral home carpet and the other hand resting on the back of a chair for support , he screamed , “ I ’ m part Slap-a-Ho ” then followed through with a balled fist ....
Yesterday , almost a week to the day of his aunt Mother Eternal ’ s funeral , the We ’ ll Haul Ya Ashes crematorium handled Buddy ’ s final remains . I could ’ ve stayed home since not one member from his Slap-a-Ho tribe family showed . However , I found out Buddy wasn ’ t always drunk . Seven of his baby-mama ’ s showed up with six of his kids . There were seven kids there , but one child was definitely Chinese so that one was a little suspect because the mama wasn ’ t . Nevertheless , all seven of those women wanted to get Buddy ’ s ashes . When I dared ask one of them what she was gonna do with them , she hissed , “ I promised him the last time when we went to court that if I ever got the chance , I was gonna burn his ash . ( I think that ’ s what she said .) So that ’ s what I ’ m gonna do . I ’ m burning his ashes .”
And she was the brightest one of the seven .
I ’ m Faux News reporter , Sumwhat Sane .... ‘ til the next time when a lie will do what the truth won ’ t .
It ’ s all comedy . It ’ s All Comedy to Me by Pat G ’ Orge-Walker , Essence and National bestselling author of the Sister Betty Gospel Comedy series . www . sisterbetty . com
Naleighna Kai Literary Cafe Magazine July / August 2017 35