This is ridiculous , I berated myself . Your son could drown right in front of you and there would be nothing you could do !
Luckily , my son is a pretty good swimmer , so I knew if I could calm him down , he could swim back to me .
“ I can ’ t reach you , baby ,” I said as reassuringly as I could . “ Kick your legs and swim back to me . You can do it !” With renewed determination on his precious little face , he did as I asked and was out of harm ’ s way in no time .
But the impact of what could have happened did not subside . By early winter , I had signed up for six private swimming lessons .
Despite having procrastinated and avoided learning to swim for a good twenty years of my adult life , I never considered myself particularly afraid of the water until I took my first look into the deep end of the pool . At the facility where I swim , there is a black line just before the drop . Despite having spent hours in that pool , I still don ’ t know if it ’ s 8 ’ or 100 ’ at the deepest end . All I know is that it doesn ’ t matter ; it ’ s all too far down for me . But I ’ m getting ahead of the story , so let me go back .
The first couple of lessons weren ’ t too bad . I was more scared than I realized I would be , but I had the kickboard and my instructor to help me out . There was also a lifeguard , just in case . I was making progress , floating then swimming on my back , learning my stroke , side-breathing . I ’ d even been to the deep end a couple of times – not without my kickboard , but hey . Things were going all right , until my fourth session .
I ’ d always arrived for my lessons at least 15 minutes early so that I could swim a bit and work out my nervousness before my session began . I ’ d noticed that , contrary to basic logic , my fear grew with every new skill I gained , but I tried not to pay attention to it . Just get it done , I told myself . At 42 , I ’ d acquired the discipline to power through a lot of things that frighten me . I ’ d written and published four books despite being a devout introvert . I ’ d sold my books despite persistent feelings of self-doubt . And I ’ d stood up in front of people to speak about my work — an occurrence which used to cause something akin to a nervous breakdown every time I had to do it . But , in each case , I ’ ve powered through . I figured “ powering through ” had worked with everything else , why not swimming ? And it did work . Right up until the point it didn ’ t .
On the morning before my fourth lesson , I started out at the shallow end of the pool with my kickboard . My favorite lane--the one right next to the pool edge and the lifeguard — was taken up by a former Olympic swimmer , so that left me no choice but the middle of the pool . I was nervous , but I managed .
6 Naleighna Kai Literary Cafe Magazine July / August 2017