you know how sometimes a certain verse or scripture that you ’ ve read a million times means something completely different and more significant than it did all of the other times you read it before ? I had a light bulb moment — I wasn ’ t a peacemaker ; I was a peacekeeper . My heart sank with the realization that I was the one , more than Michael , that perpetuated the drama in our marriage . I found reasonable ways of managing his madness in hopes that it would ease his conflict , therefore erasing mine .
The more I accommodated , the more I had to adjust to keep the peace . Peacemaking means getting to the real root of the problem and working together to fix it . Peacekeeping , on the other hand , means doing whatever is necessary to keep conflict at bay . Peacemaking isn ’ t always pretty and sometimes uncomfortable , but ultimately a beautiful relationship will develop when all resolutions have been made and met . Peacekeeping hides the truth . Peacekeeping hides the bottles . Peacekeeping hides the arguments . Peacekeeping makes sure any and all conversations with others remain at a minimum when the discussion turns to the one you ’ re “ protecting ”. All because as much as you need to be okay and have someone to unload or vent to , you ’ re worried that if you say the wrong thing , you and your partner will get the side-eye when things get back on the good foot . And the “ good foot ” happens even in the worst of relationships . So much so that they can become so welcomed that one pushes the “ other times ” to the background .
Peacekeeping is the blight of any relationship — familial , romantic , and friendship because someone ’ s toxic attitude and behavior are given a full range and total control in exchange for the other person ’ s perception of peace .
However , after one more night of nonsense and namecalling , I prayed for an out . It had been ten years since my heart felt anything for the man that I married . I didn ’ t know how to leave without a profound reason . The Bible states three reasons that are grounds for divorce : 1 ) If the unbelieving spouse leaves the marriage ; 2 ) If there was any sexual immorality , and 3 ) If Jesus himself abandoned the church . We were both “ believers ” in the faith , though often we did not act accordingly . I had never cheated on Michael and I didn ’ t have proof that he had cheated on me ; As far as I know , Jesus has not separated from the church , so I had no basis to divorce according to Christian tradition . These reasons are why I endured the emotional and verbal abuse for so long — no profound reason to end it despite the issues . Namecalling , demands , and interrogations weren ’ t enough for me to leave or divorce Michael .
Less than twenty-four hours after my plea , a very anticlimactic argument over a demand for me to give him the keys to my van ensued . He had spent all night out drinking himself silly , and it wasn ’ t safe for him to be driving .
My statement , “ That ain ’ t gonna happen ” made him so uncomfortable he became enraged enough to choke me . There was no longer a question of can I , or should I , stay in this marriage . My safety , and my children ’ s safety , became a top priority .
The entire scene could be summed up as surreal , but what was more unbelievable was that I asked God for an out and my husband losing his mind was how it was presented . God moves in mysterious ways .
I ’ m blessed to say that in building my wall , I managed to heal some parts of my heart while still in that toxic relationship until I could come out of my delusion . After a restraining order , twelve months of court dates negotiating child support and visitation , and finally a divorce , I ’ m free . You ’ ll never hear me say that my marriage was a nightmare . I learned a great deal about myself while going through trial by fire . I learned that I have a dark side ( My thoughts — whew !). I learned to trust and listen to that still , small voice in my head that gives me directions on what path to take for my journey ; I learned to trust vibes , good and bad , that a person puts out — they never lie , energy speaks louder than words .
Most importantly , I learned that peacemaking is far more precious and beneficial than peacekeeping . The advice that I would share with anyone is to always be more active in making peace than keeping up a ruse that offers the appearance of peace .
* names have been changed to protect the guilty .
MarZé Scott , a lifelong resident of Ypsilanti , Michigan , is a lover of all things creative . While taking care of her family , she indulges Her passions of reading , writing , drawing , and makeup artistry . She has been writing short stories and poems since elementary school and developed a taste for writing about provocative topics like the consequences of casual sex in high school . Her debut novel , Gemini Rising is due for release 2018 .
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