I unfreeze and mechanically pick up all the candles from the floor , wipe down the table , and put the cake away because I don ’ t want it . I don ’ t think I ’ ll ever want something again .
They start arguing again , but I ’ ve had enough for a day . I ’ m sick and tired so I go to the bathroom and stand in front of the mirror , my hands braced on the sink . I just look at myself for a long , long time and I don ’ t want to hear them anymore so I shut the door closed and look at myself some more , wondering what went wrong and how to fix this . I finally text my sister to tell her what ’ s going on in the house and squat on the tiled floor with my phone because I don ’ t feel safe in my room and the bathroom feels more secure somehow .
There ’ s a knock on the door and dad asks if I ’ m there , and I answer yes and my voice sounds grave and foreign , which is funny because I ’ m not crying . I ’ m not crying but my voice sounds like I ’ ve been crying for a real long time , so dad must have jumped to conclusions because when I finally do come out of the bathroom he hugs me tight and asks if I ’ m okay . I can see his eyes are a little shiny but I ’ m really okay . He says he ’ s lucky to have me here because it would ’ ve been worse had he had to go through this alone . I instantly feel so bad for him because I can text my sister but he doesn ’ t have that luxury .
*****
Faces tradeoff . In exchange for a second daughter , mom and dad could have spent an exorbitant amount of money and a great deal of time . There are a hundred could-have-beens for my parents and I like to think about each and every one of them :
Mom could have gotten her Ph . D in social work and actually made a name for herself .
Dad could have become a full-time professor or a writer or a counselor or a consultant , because he ’ s talented like that .
Both of them could have had a bigger house and travel around the world and buy expensive things just for the sake of buying them .
Mom could have been freed from the shackles of housework because my sister ’ s far less maintenance than I am .
Dad could have retired by now and gone golfing with his high school friends every Sunday . So many things in the world could have gone right .
It does get better with time .
*****
Mom says I shouldn ’ t tell my sister what ’ s going on because she has the LSAT to worry about on top of everything else , but I disagree because she deserves to know what ’ s going on back home . Mom talks about her like she ’ s a delicate flower and often underestimates her . My sister had her fair share of depression and she ’ s much stronger than I am , more emotionally mature . So I nod when mom tells me not to make my sister worry , but I know I definitely will when something like this happens again and I don ’ t even feel guilty for it .
31
The morning after , dad announces that mom has something to tell me so I wait with anxious anticipation like a man bracing himself for a particularly bad storm . Mom tells me she ’ s just grateful and proud that I don ’ t get stressed out studying all the time and that she loves me , and hugs me and starts to tear up . It ’ s too emotional for my taste but I hug her back and pat her on the back awkwardly because we never do these kind of things . I can ’ t bring myself to