| A (n alcoholic) Lap of Goodwood
I had gone purple in the first sector. I loosened
my worsted tie and took a good chug of
port and brandy from my hipflask. The press
armband meant we could cut through the
Paddocks where, after snapping a green ERA,
I accidentally meandered into Keith Chegwin.
After exchanging apologies and enquiring if
he was enjoying the revival I shook his hand,
gushing, “How very nice to meet you, Keith”. At
this point Keith visibly wilted and his smile
dropped. This is because it wasn’t Cheggers. It
was Noel Edmonds.
From here I needed to head to the outfield
... so on through the crowds and under the
tunnel on the Lavant straight and down to the
Lavant corner bar for a glug of the Goodness
of Guinness. Then a long left to St Marys,
hugging the apex, and gulped another pint
whilst watching a Spitfire flypast. From here
was the long slog down Madgewick but I was
struggling for grip in my army surplus shoes. As
I ambled along Dr Octane passed me, having
hitched a lift on the tractor bus service, sailing
into an unsporting lead; Schumacheresque
behaviour almost. A quick pint at Madgewick
then a bimble through the crowds to Woodcote
as the fast Fords came on track. Feeling gassy
now I had to slacken off my Sam Browne. Room
for a G&T. No lime, thank you; there’s no risk of
scurvy here.
A win was in sight. Over the pedestrian
footbridge into the free “over the road” section
for another Guinness, passing the Chap
Magazine’s Olympiad who were performing
their moustache tug-o-war. But where was
Dr Octane? It turned out that his bladder had
almost ruptured under load and he had been
obliged to pit. I spotted him as he exited the
latrines, fiddling with his flies and staggering
down the steps in what was surely an unsafe
release. Our paths converged towards the
finish line, the bar of the Speckled Hen tent. I
was momentarily delayed by a quick squeeze
with the lovely Elle and the Pocket Belles, who
were warming up for Mr B, the Gentleman
6 | MotorPunk October 2013
Not Keith Chegwin
Baldrick makes a friend