memoir
THE TREK (( Opposite ) Carney hiked through White Sands National Park in New Mexico , where she checked “ Ride a horse fast ” off her list . ( Left ) Carney ’ s father , Mitch , visited Stone Mountain , Georgia , in 1974 . Years later , while in the state to speak with former president Jimmy Carter (“ Meet the President ”), Carney hiked to the top of Stone Mountain to recreate the photo .
Postponing pricier items , like “ Go to the Super Bowl ” and trips to European cities , she signed up for amarathon to check off “ Run 10miles straight ” and flew to Plains , Georgia , where Jimmy Carter taught Sunday school , to complete “ Meet the President .”( Carter was president when her father was alive .) She swam across ariver and went skydiving , courtesy of aTVshow named Chasing News , telling viewers afterward she did so to raise awareness about distracted driving .( That checked off “ Speak on TV .”)
In the book , woven among descriptions of her adventures are recollections of adolescent struggles with ADD and depression , and aperiod of embarrassment about her dad , who was asalesman and dreamer and spent his spare time singing , writing and performing . Fulfilling his list , she began to love and appreciate him in anew way .
There were setbacks aplenty , such as when she was let go from her copy editing job at Good Housekeeping in 2018 ; when she tore atendon in her foot and couldn ’ t complete any of the physical challenges , and when the pandemic prevented traveling . But whenever she had doubts , she ’ d speak to her dad , saying out loud , “ Why are you doing this ?” Then she ’ d hear her father ’ s voice encouraging her , she says . “ I was inspired bylove for my dad ,” says Carney .“ It was aleap of faith the whole time .”
Often , low points turned into high points . Housebound during the pandemic , Carney extended the four-year deadline she ’ d set for completing the list and , thanks to an idea from Seighman , created anew challenge : The couple would run every street in Montclair ,
all 150 miles . Carney videotaped the process and posted clips on the Secret Montclair Facebook page .“ My stopping and starting to film drove Steve crazy ,” she says with alaugh . “ But after commuting tothe city and just sleeping in Montclair , wemet our neighbors for the first time . Ifinally felt like Montclair is part of me and I ’ m part of Montclair .”
Learning to be flexible was key in helping Carney complete the list , something she thanks her dad for . For example , the item “ Own alarge house with our own land ” was anon-starter if taken literally ; she and Seighman are renters . But during the pandemic , the couple took to camping to get away , and , watching her husband set up a three-person tent , she decided the tent was shelter that qualified as housing they owned .
“ It started occurring tome that Iwas living astory ,” Carney says .“ Whatever would help me grow and better understand my dad and myself and was in the spirit ofhis list , Icould allow .”
Seighman accompanied his wife on many of her challenges , which he says was alot of fun and “ always interesting .” But the best part was seeing her growth , he says .“ She gained alot of confidence and got alot stronger . That was the most rewarding thing to witness .” The only strain was finding the resources .“ But we got alot of help with places to stay and ideas for more inexpensive ways to do things ,” he says .“ Batching things together to make one trip cover several list items ” was also key .
Checking items off alist was anatural toCarney , who relied on them as ateenager with attention issues . Her father ’ slist was “ a new way oforganizing my life ,” she says .“ By year two , I
was happy when Iwoke upevery day , excited about the next step toward my list .”
LESSONS LEARNED ON THE ROAD
At the end of the book , Carney encourages readers tomake their own bucket lists .“ Ithink it ’ sreally important when you reach midlife to have aproject like this , orsomething you are doing just for fun , that makes you have that feeling of excitement when you wake up about what you ’ re going to do that day .”
Following her father ’ slist also helped her learn to focus on what ’ simportant , rather than on just checking off conventional boxes such as Get married , Have kids , Buy ahouse .“ Instead , Iwas learning to surf or ride ahorse ,” she says . “ For someone my age , itwas almost like Iwas rebelling . But Iwas doing it for a good reason , for my father . Ifyou define your success interms of what society dictates , not what ’ sunique to you , that can lead to amidlife crisis .”
Many of the list items forced her to face , and overcome , her fears . For example , the trip to Vienna , which she did alone , was something that would previously have terrified her .“ Iwas happier there than I ’ dever been in my life ,” she says .“ Ifelt really connected to my dad , really felt his spirit . The energy of those welove who have passed away is always with us , always helping us , always cheering us on .” ■
Carney will hold the local launch of My Father ’ sList : How Living My Dad ’ sDreams Set Me Free at Watchung Booksellers , 7p . m . June 14 . For more information , call ( 973 ) 744-7177 or go to watchungbooksellers . com .
@ montclairmagazine MONTCLAIR MAGAZINE MAY 2023
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