Relationships
The Cohabitating Question By Paula Quinsee
Are people moving away from marriage and more into cohabitating these days ? The latest Census stats certainly seem to think so , but does that mean marriage is no longer a priority for couples ?
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People get married for personal reasons , such as religious beliefs , but the increase in cohabitation – living together in a romantic relationship without formal marriage – versus traditional marriage does not mean people have necessarily lost faith in the symbolism and constitution of marriage . Rather , it means that more couples are preferring to take a different path , or stance , to previous generations . Of course , cohabitating has its advantages and disadvantages , and it can vary from one relationship to another .
Advantages of Cohabitating :
• Allows couples to see whether they can live together for the longer term , because it provides an opportunity to learn about each other ’ s likes , dislikes , habits and routines , as well as work through potential issues together .
• Sharing monthly expenses can be financially beneficial for a couple , as it enables them to have more disposable income , which can result in being
more financially stable than if living alone .
• Living together provides an emotional support system that a partner can lean into , and you can be there for each other during both good and challenging times , resulting in a deeper emotional bond and connection .
• Cohabitating can make it easier to manage day-to-day tasks and responsibilities , such as sharing household chores , errands , childcare , etc .
• There are less complexities involved , and it is easier to separate without the legal and financial implications of a divorce .
Disadvantages of Cohabitating :
• There is less protection for cohabitating couples versus married couples , such as in the event of a break-up . It can be more complicated to divide assets or enforce custody issues , unless partners have had some form of legal contract drawn up prior to moving in together .
• In some cultures , cohabitation carries very real social stigmas – for example , no sex before marriage , therefore no living together before marriage – and this can place additional pressures on a couple from family , friends and communities .
• Cohabitation can sometimes lead to unclear boundaries and expectations , as partners may not be clear about their long-term commitment , relationship boundaries , or future plans , which can create uncertainty and stress .
• If one partner contributes significantly more financially to the household , it can lead to conflict in the relationship , resulting in a power imbalance where one partner may feel more entitled , or the other may feel controlled .
• Some couples may drift apart over time , as there is a lower level of commitment and effort to that of marriage .
Ultimately , the success of a relationship depends on the individuals involved , their expectations , how well they communicate , and how they work together to overcome challenges . Therefore , before couples consider moving in together , they need to have open and honest discussions about their intentions , expectations and future vision of the relationship .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
Active vs Passive Listening
Considering that 7 % of our communication is verbal , 55 % is visual ( i . e . body language ) and 38 % is voice ( tone , inflection , etc ), there are a lot of cues to look out for when interacting with someone . Ask yourself , have there been times when you have been speaking to someone and they ’ ve answered you completely out of context ? This is passive listening . In other words , the other person is not fully present in the moment , and is not giving you their undivided attention . They may be distracted , thinking of something else , are not interested in the topic at hand , or may just simply not have much time for you .
Active listening is being fully present in the moment . It means being aware of where you are at in your own head ( emotional state ), how you are contributing to the conversation ( body language , etc ), and your impact on the other person ( is it positive or negative ). When we are fully present in a conversation , not only are we giving that person our undivided attention , we are also showing them respect , and that we value what they are sharing with us .
They say that 90 % of problems in relationships are due to a lack of communication – either what is not being said ( fear of not feeling safe to share , retaliation , etc ), or what is not being heard ( lack of understanding , not being able to see things from the other person ’ s perspective ). Most of the time we listen to respond , instead of really hearing what the other person has to say . We are so busy preparing our response that we miss vital information . This primarily has to do with how the brain is wired , to look for the negative , because our brain reacts more strongly to stimuli it deems negative . This stems back to our early days , where it was all about survival .
The more the relational space ( i . e . the space between two people ) is safe and open , the better the relating that will take place . In other words , the better the quality of the conversation , communication and the relationship as a whole .
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