Relationships
Dating App or Trap ? By Paula Quinsee
More and more people are turning to online dating and social media platforms to meet people and possibly find their one true love , but are these platforms about finding love , or are they for scammers ?
Q . These days , it seems many women are saying they have been swindled . Is this recent , or has it been happening for a long time ? Online dating and other platforms have a history of being associated with people having negative experiences , from people not being honest about themselves , e . g . using old photos or lying about their age , to fake profiles , or being scammed , like the infamous Tinder Swindler .
Q . Where do most swindlers scout for their victims ? Any online platform where you can interact with other profile users can be a place for perpetrators looking for unsuspecting victims , e . g . Facebook , LinkedIn , gaming or virtual reality platforms and chatrooms .
Q . How do swindlers spot their victims ? They will usually search for profiles of people or individuals known to be more vulnerable , such as single women , people that are lonely / isolated , or those less familiar with technology , such as the elderly , as they are more susceptible to being taken advantage of .
Q . How can one spot the red flags and avoid the swindlers ? Also , how does it start ? Some common red flags to look out for are :
• If a person randomly connects with you and wants to be friends and get to know you .
• Look at when the profile was created and the dates of the pictures posted . If they were all uploaded on the same date and time instead of over a period of time , it ’ s probably a fake profile , as no-one uploads all their photos and social activities in one go .
• If the person in the photos is extremely good looking or looks like a highly successful businessperson , e . g . they have posted pictures of themselves on yachts , on planes and in fancy cars or restaurants , they could be using fake photos to portray a lavish lifestyle that is not real .
• Profiles where there is a man in a military uniform , as use their military service of being stationed in some remote place to prey on victims .
Q . What form of manipulation do the swindlers use ? They manipulate people into trusting them by pretending to be friendly , or interested in them , to gain their trust and extract information that they will then use to scam them . They often share information about themselves that makes them seem vulnerable , so they may talk about personal things like how they have no family or friends , or how they ’ ve been through a challenging period , or have experienced some kind of traumatic event , such as a severe illness or loss .
They can also resort to ‘ love bombing ’ – showering the person with compliments , appreciation , admiration , sometimes even giving gifts to build the person ’ s trust and profess their undying love . Usually they also try and isolate victims from their family and friends , and get them away from anyone that can influence the victim to see what is actually happening .
Common things that victims get asked for are money , airtime , data , travel fare ( planes , trains , Uber , etc ) or expensive gifts , e . g . perfume or jewellery , that they can resell or regift to their next unsuspecting victim .
Q . How can one make it stop ? Make the person aware that you know they are scamming you , exit the conversation , and report the person to the platform administrators . You may also want to block them from interacting or contacting you again , to protect yourself from falling prey to their manipulative behaviour .
Q . How does it affect victims in their next relationship , which may be genuine ? A person that has been scammed before , may have trust issues and find it difficult to believe when someone is being genuine in their interactions and intentions . It can also make someone very suspicious and on their guard all the time , which can be stressful and unhealthy . If they have suffered a financial loss from the incident , it can also have an impact on their mental and financial wellbeing as they try recover from the impact thereof , as well as the shame and stigma that comes with it . It can have a severe impact on their self-esteem , self-worth and self-confidence .
Q . Why do some people stay in relationships where they know they are being used ? People may be so deeply manipulated that they don ’ t know how to get out of the situation , and may have even developed genuine feelings for the perpetrator ( known as Stockholm Syndrome ). Some people may stay because they are afraid of being lonely , or they genuinely believe the person loves them , and can even become defensive when the perpetrator ’ s motives are questioned y others .
Q . Any other advice ? If something doesn ’ t feel right , trust your gut . If you ’ re unsure , ask a trusted person or seek the help of a professional , to help you work through what is going on , and whether something seems off about it .
Images : Pexels
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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