Relationships
A Better Way to Put It
By Paula Quinsee
There are some things one should try to avoid saying to your partner … or find a better way to get your message across .
Many of us think we are good communicators , but the reality is , often we aren ’ t . Also , many of us avoid honest conversations for fear of conflict , and we often lack the self-awareness and empathy to see things from the other person ’ s perspective . When it comes to couples , we sometimes do not realise that what we say may be triggering for our partner . This is because we associate different meanings with words , so here are a few common phrases we use that can cause friction and conflict .
Phrase 1 : " Stop asking if I ’ m okay . Everything is fine .”
Why it hurts : The person asking the question is potentially feeling a disconnect or mood change in their partner , and is trying to find out whether there is something wrong … and if they were the cause of the issue . Rather say : “ Everything is fine , I ’ m just in a quiet mood , or I ’ m a little low on energy .” This gives the enquiring partner context and insight into their partner ’ s mood change , and the reassurance that everything is ok between the two of them . It also helps the partner know how to support their partner , e . g . they can step in and help with cooking or chores .
Phrase 2 : “ I ’ m over this .”
Why it hurts : This comes across as a threat to their partner , and it ’ s not constructive in understanding what is going on , or how to find a way forward . Rather say : “ I ’ m really being challenged with this situation , and I ’ m not sure how to cope right now .” This helps to put a pause on a situation that could be spiralling , where both partners are becoming reactive and defensive . When our emotional safety is threatened , we can withdraw and shut down , and that erodes trust .
Phrase 3 : “ If you continue doing that , I ’ m going to …”
Why it hurts : This comes across as a threat to their partner , and it ’ s not constructive in understanding what is going on , or what is irritating or frustrating their partner . Rather say : “ When you do xyz , it makes me feel abc , and I would like it if you did this instead .” This gives the partner clear insight into what actions or behaviours are triggering their partner , and they then have a choice to change those behaviours going forward .
Phrase 4 : “ This is just like you .”
Why it hurts : This generalised statement can keep couples stuck in the Blame Game , and when we are stuck there , we avoid taking responsibility for our own role in the situation . Rather say : “ I have noticed that you do xyz in these instances , and I am curious as to why you do that ?” This creates a space of curiosity , where we are interested in wanting to understand our partner ’ s behaviour , and it creates safety where couples can share feedback and grow , both as individuals and as a couple .
Phrase 5 : “ It ’ s not that big of a deal .”
Why it hurts : It invalidates our partner ’ s feelings and experience , which is real for them . Rather say : “ I can empathise with how this must have made you feel , and I ’ m here for you .” Even though we may not understand what our partner is going through , by showing up and being a source of support , they know they can depend on us to be there , and they are able to do the same when we may need support .
Phrase 6 : “ You ’ re just like your father / mother .”
Why it hurts : We all have ingrained traits of our parents , which we display at times , but we generally don ’ t like being compared to other people ’ s character traits or behaviour that were not a positive influence in our lives . This can come across as demeaning , criticising and fault-finding , which can strain a relationship . Rather say : “ I have noticed or observed that you display some similar traits to your mom / dad , and I am curious as to whether you are aware of that ?” It creates a space of curiosity where we are interested in wanting to understand our behavioural traits , which we may not be aware of , and being open to feedback creates safety where couples can share feedback and grow together .
Phrase 7 : “ You ’ re doing it wrong .”
Why it hurts : This can come across as critical and fault-finding , leaving our partner feeling that they can never do anything right , and are a constant disappointment . Rather say : “ I know I can be OCD at times , and I am working on it , but in this instance , I would really like it if you would be willing to do it this way ?” That creates the space to take ownership of our own traits as well as be flexible enough to accept that not everything has to be done our way . Couples need to learn to adapt to each other ’ s traits and living in each other ’ s space .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for genderbased violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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