THE RUNNING MANN
C o l u m n
Dark ( Proctol ) Humour
During the course of the second lap , Frikkie Coetzer joined the conversation and we ended up running together all the way to the finish . This ensured that I did a lot less walking than I was intending to do . However , the downside of the combination of conversation and reaching the limits of my VO2 max ( which resulted in survival shoegazing ) meant that I missed some of the sights of Potchefstroom . Fortunately , Roland was on backup cameraman duties and made sure that he captured what I missed .
One such sight was the rooms for the local urologist – based on the impressive signage , it appears that size does matter for urologists ! Roland tried to get clubmate Attie Brits to pose in front of the sign with a Michael Jackson-style groin grab , but he was too bashful . This is a pity , because it would have made a wonderful advertising slogan , “ When you ’ re in Potch and have an ache in your crotch …”
When you ’ re in Potch and have an ache in your crotch …
Running and Rugby
You will be pleased to note that this diversion into proctology does actually have a purpose . It provides a totally non-gratuitous segue into talking about arseholes – or one arsehole in particular , Owen Farrell of England . You see , after the World Cup Rugby semi-finals , I was planning to try out a new motivational running method that I call the Owen Farrell technique . It ’ s really simple : When you ’ re exhausted and feel that you can ’ t take one more step in a marathon , you just picture the smirking face of Owen Farrell throwing out petulant complaints , and then the ref tells you to move forward 10 metres . Just keep repeating the ’ 10 metres forward ’ process and , before you know it , you ’ re within kicking distance of the finish .
As it turned out , I did not need to apply the Owen Farrell technique because the conversation from Hybré and Frikkie during the race meant that the kilometres sped by . In retrospect , this was a stroke of good fortune , because having to visualise Farrell ’ s smarmy sneer over several painful kilometres would likely have seen me end up in the psychiatric ward . If anyone does try to stare down the barrel of the Farrell technique at a future Potch Marathon , it ’ s worth noting that you run past the second oldest mental hospital in the country , Witrand , several times during the race . ( Aside : Valkenberg in Cape Town is the oldest .)
However , the doctor ’ s rooms look very large for a single urologist , so there ’ s an opportunity for Dr Botha to cover all bases and partner with a proctologist … whose rooms would , of course , be accessible via the rear entrance . This got me wondering whether there was a practicing proctologist called “ Dr A . Nel ” and I immediately investigated this train of thought on Google . There are several Dr A . Nels out there , but sadly , none of them specialise in the proctol arts . I did , however , uncover some intrigue in the form of a Dr Chris Ellis , whose tagline read “ family physician and amateur proctologist .”
On further investigation the ‘ amateur proctologist ’ claim turned out to be tongue in cheek ( pun intended ). Nevertheless , I decided to explore deeper inside this rabbit hole and was rewarded with a fruitful result ( pun very much intended ) in the form of a journal article about strange things people put up their bums . The article , enchantingly entitled The Sign of the Sparkling Stool , recounts Dr Ellis ’ experience of digging for diamonds ( quite literally ) whilst working as the company medical officer for a mine in Namibia , and also recounts the story of a serial ‘ fruit smuggler ’ who arrived in casualty with an overripe avocado pear planted deep up his fertile valley . As per the article , “ after finding his old hospital notes , it was revealed that he was a recurrent offender , with a variety of fruits to his name .” I would assume that over time , this repeated practice must have rectum ...
Sidenote : Here are a couple of bonus dinner time dad jokes inspired by proctology . 1 . What is a proctologist ’ s favourite punctuation mark ? The colon . 2 . What is a proctologist ’ s favourite steak ? Rump ( Extra points if you tell this joke while eating a rump steak , as I did .)
The route takes you past the Witrand mental institute several times
On a related note , around the 35km mark of the race , Frikkie taught me his marathon survival method of breaking the route into days of the week , where each ‘ day ’ is six kilometres long , which means that the 4km mark is just after lunch on Monday . I replied that the last 200 metres ( or when your GPS says you ’ ve run further than 42.2 ), you can just pretend that you ’ re getting some ‘ extra weekend time .’ I also optimistically observed that since we were at 35km , the Springboks were just about to win the World Cup on Saturday night . And in keeping with the spirit of this technique , I followed up my prediction by feeling like I had a nasty hangover over the last six ‘ Sunday ’ kilometres !
On a Potch Mission
By this stage of the morning , the clouds had been burnt away by the scorching sun and the temperature had risen into the low 30s . However , the Potch route is well planned with plenty of shady avenues along the home stretch back to Cachet Park . Water tables along the route were also plentiful – there must have been one every 2km , and they were well stocked .
Images : Stuart Mann , Roland du Plessis
Trying to keep up with Frikkie pushed me to my meant VO2 max
The home stretch is run along shady lanes
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