Relationships
Playing the Blame Game By Paula Quinsee
When we get stuck in the blame game in a relationship , there can be no winning , only degrees of losing . Here ’ s how to spot the warning signs , and break out of the cycle of blame .
When a couple is caught up in the blame game , it ’ s a constant keeping score , stonewalling , waiting for the other to make the first move and more , when in fact very little actually happens . Instead , the wedge just gets driven deeper and deeper between the two , until there is no coming back from it and the relationship completely breaks down .
This is probably one of the hardest cycles for a couple to break . Marriage researcher Dr John Gottman even describes it as one of his “ Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ” – the four behaviours that cause the most trouble in relationships .
What most couples don ’ t realise when they are stuck in this blame game is that it is a repetitive cycle of trying to get a connection ( reaction ) from the other . It ’ s a bit like a boxer who attacks , defends and withdraws , attacks , defends and withdraws , constantly tiptoeing around their partner , which is both physically and emotionally draining . Never mind the damage this can do to the children in the relationship .
We also play the blame game in other areas of our lives , for example with our family members ( we all know someone that hasn ’ t spoken to a family member for years due to some argument ), with friendships that have soured or ended , and even in the workplace ( we avoid a boss or colleague that seems to find some joy in making our lives a living hell ).
Need for Change
Blame is a victim mindset , not an empowered mindset . The only real answer to solving this spiral is for couples to be curious about what is going on underneath the ‘ dance ,’ maintaining a safe connection and really feeling heard . Now , some couples I ’ ve worked with have made huge leaps in getting themselves out of this cycle , which has totally transformed their relationship , whilst others have been too afraid to try . It seems they would rather stay stuck in that painful cycle of attack , withdraw , defend . It pains me to see couples caught up in this cycle because all they are doing is destroying themselves and their relationship . As Dr Robert Anthony says , “ When you blame others , you give up your power to change .”
Many couples come looking for a quick fix to get them out of this space , but it takes time . The relationship didn ’ t deteriorate overnight , it happened over time , and it won ’ t be fixed overnight , it ’ s going to take time . Time to rebuild the connection , to rebuild the trust , to rebuild communication and to forgive , before love can flow freely again .
The first step in this process is to shift our thinking . We ’ re so busy pointing out the faults of our partner and how they are not meeting our needs , that we ’ re not taking our own role and responsibility into account . We avoid taking responsibility for the things that go wrong , and underestimate our ability to change the situation by changing ourselves , because we are so busy waiting for our partner to do the changing .
Both partners need to ask themselves , “ What is it about my partner ’ s behaviour that is triggering me ? What are my real needs , and why am I so frustrated when my partner does not fulfil them ? Do I communicate my needs clearly to my partner ?” Instead , they need to start thinking , “ We have a problem , so how can I change the way I approach it ?” This change in attitude fosters a deeper personal reflection on each partner ’ s side , and a willingness to do something about the relationship , because they value it and want it to work .
Look Inwards First
Here are some questions you can use that will go a long way to getting you out of the blame game cycle and back on the same page with each other :
• What can I do that can create more safety in our relationship ?
• How can I talk about my own experience without blaming my partner ?
• How can I be more curious about what my partner is experiencing , even if I don ’ t agree with them ?
• How can I let go of the need to be right ?
If you feel you are stuck in the blame game cycle and are not making any progress , then perhaps you should look at getting some help before it is too late . You really can break this cycle if you want to .
Images : Pexels
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for genderbased violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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