Mental Wellbeing
Escaping the Toxicity By Paula Quinsee
It is not uncommon for relationships to turn abusive and toxic over time . Here ’ s what to look for , and advice on getting out of a toxic relationship .
In terms of the traditional relationship cycle that most couples go through , the beginning stages is commonly known as the romantic / honeymoon phase , which can last up to 24 months , depending on the dynamics of the two people involved . In this phase there is a combination of lust , attraction , infatuation and being on our best behaviour to win our partner over is at play . It is fair to say that one or both partners may still hide some of their behavioural traits at this stage .
Over time , a couple tends to become more settled in their relationship , and more comfortable with each other , and their true behaviour can start to play out as their relationship starts moving into the next phase of the relationship cycle . This can be the little things , like leaving used clothing lying around , but in the worst case scenarios , a person ’ s true colours can come out , and sometimes these colours are not particularly pleasant . In other words , their behaviour can become abusive , be it verbally , physically or emotionally .
Upbringing and background play a large role in this behaviour , as well as personal experiences . The foundation of our emotional intelligence is formed in childhood , particularly the first seven years . If a person grows up in an abusive environment ( physical , verbal , emotional or even substance abuse , etc ), they will potentially form a skewed perspective that this is the norm , including how relationships and love are supposed to be .
However , this is not the case in every relationship , and there are other possible factors that can contribute to a person being abusive . Several social forces also play a key role in shaping an abuser ’ s values and attitudes , as well as creating an environment where abusive behaviour is rewarded , or at least unpunished . In other words , it is a learned behaviour and a choice to abuse .
Know the Signs
The question is , why is it that some people tend to attract abusive and toxic partners ? And how can one stop the circle of being attracted to or dating toxic partners ? Here again , upbringing and low self-esteem can contribute to people staying in abusive situations , because they do not believe they deserve better , or feel they don ’ t have the ability or strength to get out of the abusive relationship .
This is where it is important to do self-development , to identify what your patterns and traits are that are contributing to you being attracted to potential toxic partners . Look at your relationship patterns , identify the behaviours you do and don ’ t want in a partner , have clarity on your own values and boundaries , and what happens when you allow them to be compromised . Work on your self-worth and what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour , and work on the confidence to be able to speak up and say no or push back when something does not align or sit well with you .
In all instances of abuse , there is , over time a breakdown of the victim ’ s physical , mental and emotional wellbeing , which can cause mental illnesses , such as depression , anxiety and PTSD . If needed , seek the help of a professional to help you work through your experiences and gain a healthy sense of self , so that you can break the pattern of attracting toxic partners and open yourself up to having a healthy relationship with yourself and a future partner .
Any form of abuse is unacceptable , and should not be tolerated , because it goes against basic human rights – personal safety ( and that of children ) comes first , and if you feel you are in an abusive environment , you need to get yourself into a safe or healthier environment to begin the rehabilitation and healing process , and this is applicable to both the abused and abuser .
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for genderbased violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
Images : Pexels
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