Mental Wellbeing
Questions about Kids By Paula Quinsee
It is often assumed that a natural part of our evolution is getting married and having children , but many couples and women are now choosing not to have children , which can lead to difficult discussions with family , friends and society at large .
Q : If a person has chosen to remain child-free , what is the appropriate way to break the news to a potential partner ? If it ’ s a firm decision and nothing is going to change their mind , then it ’ s only fair to let their partner know early on about their decision , and why they have made it . For example , there could be medical reasons , or it could be a personal choice , and context always helps provide clarity and understanding .
This approach allows the partner to decide whether they want to continue with the relationship or not , especially if having children is important to them . The best way to approach this is being as honest and transparent as possible , as this is potentially a major life decision for both parties , affecting the way forward and the future of their relationship .
Q . When is the ideal time to inform them about this ? A life decision like this can have serious repercussions for a relationship – it may even be a deal-breaker – so a couple ideally needs to have this discussion early on in their relationship , before they take their relationship to the next level of commitment , i . e . moving in together or getting married .
When in the dating phase , one can already start getting a feel for whether someone has family aspirations by observing how they interact and react to children when around them , and in discussions about children in the future .
Q . For a couple who has decided not to have children , must they inform their family and friends of their decision ? While the couple ’ s decision is personal to them and has nothing to do with anyone else , there is some expectation from family , especially parents who naturally look forward to grandchildren coming along one day . It therefore makes sense to have a discussion with parents as early as possible , to manage their expectations going forward . This , in turn , should prevent the topic coming up in future conversations , and will allow the parents to support the couple ’ s decision when other family members / outsiders ask question or raise the topic .
Couples can also share this decision with their closest friends out of respect for their friendships , for friends to know where they stand and to respect their decision , and to potentially avoid awkward situations arising in the future .
Q . What is the appropriate way to answer questions like , “ So , when are you having a baby ?” Most people ask this question innocently , unaware of the potential hurt their question may be inflicting , while others may not be sensitive to boundaries . The best way to avoid awkward situations is to have a standard response that you are comfortable with , to move the conversation away from further discussion , such as :
• Right now we ’ re not feeling the urge to have children , and we ’ re not sure if that will change in the future , so we ’ re just enjoying each other and living in the moment .
• We don ’ t know if we will , there is no urgency on our side .
• We ’ ve decided not to have children and focus on other things we want in life , such as …
Q . What should people be aware of before approaching others with those kinds of questions ? There may be some sensitive reasons why someone has decided not to have children . At the end of the day , it ’ s a personal choice for them , just as it is a choice for someone to have children . Instead of asking someone why they don ’ t have children , rather enquire whether having children is a consideration , which is a gentler approach and gives the other person the option to answer in detail or not .
Q . What are the main reasons more and more people are choosing not to have children ? Not all women have a ‘ maternal instinct ,’ and it ’ s perfectly OK to not want to have children . Some are choosing to experience a different life by having the freedom and flexibility that comes with not having children . For others , it ’ s a combination of rising living and education costs as well as the time , effort and energy that comes with the responsibility of raising kids , that plays a major factor in their life choice .
Images : Pexels
Paula Quinsee is the founder of Engaged Humans , facilitating connection between men , women and couples . She is a certified Imago Relationship Therapy Educator and Facilitator , NLP Practitioner , PDA Analyst , coach and trainer . She has authored two self-help guides : Embracing Conflict and Embracing No , as is an international speaker , advocate for mental health and activist for gender-based violence . More info at www . engagedhumans . com .
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