Are You Behaving Badly ?
By Paula Quinsee
Mental Wellbeing
When it comes to relationships , romantic or other , we are often quick to find fault or point out what the other person is doing wrong , but seldom look at our own behaviour .
Images : Pexels & courtesy Republic PR
It can be difficult to admit that we are perhaps not as perfect as we like to think . The reality is , we all have flaws , and embracing and accepting them is where growth happens . There is no such thing as the perfect person , or the perfect relationship , so we need to ask ourselves how can we keep improving ourselves , to be a better person , partner , parent , or leader , if we are not willing to look within ?
Usually , when we hit a speed bump in our relationship and emotions are running high , we can very quickly get stuck in the blame game , and blame the other person for everything that ’ s wrong . We try and change them to suit our perspective , when in fact stepping into their world and seeing it through their eyes takes the courage to be vulnerable and admit our flaws , or that we are not always right .
Identifying Toxic Traits
We often hear that “ he / she is toxic ” or “ I don ’ t want to be around toxic people .” But how do you spot toxic traits in yourself ? The first step is understanding what toxic behaviour or traits look like , and the impact they can have on others . Toxic traits can range from in your face , deliberate behaviour such as lying , shouting or screaming , to more subtle undertones that include being unsupportive , manipulative , needy , judgmental , controlling and self-centred , to physical , verbal and emotional abuse . It is any form of behaviour that causes distress in others through negative words and actions .
It ’ s not always easy to identify toxic behaviour in another person , so the best place to start is looking within yourself , and how you feel in situations or when spending time with people in your life . Do you sometimes feel confused and unsure of yourself when you are in the company of a certain person ? Do you sometimes feel drained or full of anxiety ? Do you feel the need to constantly help them causing you to feel resentment , and then guilt for feeling that way ? Do you find it difficult to say no , and then explain away or justify your reasons ? Do you feel your boundaries are not being respected , or that you are “ walking on eggshells ” around them ? Do you feel like you can ’ t be yourself around them , and are changing your behaviour to fit in or avoid bad vibes or conflict ?
These feelings are a sign that something does not feel right for you about this person or situation , and it ’ s important to understand why , as well as understand the impact this is having on you .
Toning Down the Toxicity
What is a decent way to pull away from a toxic person ? Is it advisable to try and have a conversation before distancing oneself from a toxic person ? Unfortuantely , having a conversation with someone who is portraying toxic behaviour does not always go well , and can lead to more toxic behaviour and conflict , or it can ruin the relationship entirely .
Paula Quinsee is a relationship and life coach , Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No . She is a passionate advocate for healthy relationships and personal transformation , and works with both individuals and companies to better understand our relationship patterns , communication and conflict styles , emotional behaviours and traits , and how to have healthier human interactions in both our personal and workplace worlds . More info at www . paulaquinsee . com .
If you want to keep this person in your life , then you may need to have a courageous conversation and put down firm boundaries with this person . Boundaries can include things such as putting some distance between you , limiting the time or types of interactions you have , unfollowing them on social media , and being very clear on what behaviour you will / won ’ t tolerate from this person .
If you don ’ t want to keep this person in your life , then you can choose to let go of them and move on with your life . You need to do what is right for your own wellbeing .
Self-Correction Time
But , if you notice toxic traits in yourself , or your behaviour , what can you do to try to make things better ? Pay attention to how others respond and react towards you . Are they perhaps avoiding you or making excuses as to why they can ’ t see you ? Listen to things people say – often they will say things in a joking way , because they don ’ t know how to say it to you directly . If you think you may be behaving badly , ask a few people close to you to give you honest feedback that you can then use as insights to work on yourself .
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