Is Your Relationship in a Pocket ?
By Paula Quinsee
Live Well
Pocketing in a relationship is a term used to describe where the person you ’ re dating avoids or hesitates to introduce you to their friends , family or other people they know , whether this be in-person or on social media , despite the fact that you ’ ve been going out for a while . So , in essence , it feels like your relationship is a secret or is being hidden to the public eye .
Here are a few questions to ask yourself if you think you may be in a pocket :
• Have you ever met any of your partner ’ s family , friends or colleagues ?
• Does your partner include you in any social events they are attending that involves their family , friends or colleagues ?
• Does your partner ever speak about you to others , in person or on the phone , when you are present ?
• When you happen to bump into someone your partner knows , how do they refer to you in that moment ? Do they introduce you , what reference do they give you , or do they just completely whitewash you ?
If you have been dating for close on a year and you ’ ve never met any of your partner ’ s peeps , you may well be in a ‘ pocket .’ In that case , pay attention to the reasons ( or excuses ) your partner puts on the table when it comes to social occasions or going out together in public . There could be several reasons why your partner is behaving in this way .
Finding the Reason
They may want to make sure that you and the relationship has some depth and meaning to it before introducing you to their family and social circles , and they want to be sure about it first . Also , some people may have a fear of how family and friends will accept their new partner , especially if their previous relationship did not work out , as we look to our family and friends for approval of our significant other . People evolve differently in a relationship , so they are possibly being cautious in the beginning and wanting to take things slowly to get a real feel for the other person , and getting to really know them well before taking their relationship to the next level .
On the other hand , some people could be ‘ pocketing ’ their partner because they are not really that committed to the relationship , and it is more of a “ situationship ,” and they don ’ t want to involve their partner in the social aspects of their life , so they rather keep the person at a distance . This could be because they struggle with commitment , are afraid of being alone , or just want to be ‘ friends with benefits ,’ but are not being transparent about it . Worst case scenario is they are not mutually exclusive with you , even though you think you are , and they could already be involved ( or possibly even married ) and you are a side hustle .
So , does being in a pocket mean someone loves their partner any less ? Not necessarily . If one person is genuinely interested in the other , but is taking the relationship slow to be certain there is a future together , that means they really do care and don ’ t want to rush into things . On the other hand , if they genuinely are putting you and your relationship in a ‘ pocket ’, then yes , they are not as interested or invested in the relationship as you are . They probably like you , but it is less likely that they love you and want to a long-term commitment .
Finding the Solution
If you feel you are being put in a pocket , it ’ s important to discuss how you are feeling with your partner . Key is not to do it in an accusatory way or give your partner an ultimatum , as these seldom work . Share openly how being excluded is making you feel , and be curious as to why your partner is doing this , as there could be a genuine reason underpinning their behaviour .
Images : Pexels
Gain insights and a perspective from them as to why this happening , and if they see it changing in the near future . Put a timeline in mind as to when this could start to shift , based on your discussion , and be aware as to whether this does start changing , or whether your partner keeps bringing more reasons ( or excuses ) to the table going forward . If there is very little followthrough after your discussion , you may need to make the decision to move on and find a partner who is not afraid to be out in public with you .
Paula Quinsee is a relationship and life coach , Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No . She is a passionate advocate for healthy relationships and personal transformation , and works with both individuals and companies to better understand relationship patterns , communication and conflict styles , emotional behaviours and traits , and how to have healthier human interactions in both our personal and workplace worlds . More info at www . paulaquinsee . com .
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