Modern Athlete Magazine Issue 145, Sept/Oct 2021 | Page 67

Live Well

Are you a People-pleaser ? By Paula Quinsee

Do you find it difficult to say no to others ? Do you find yourself agreeing to things that you don ’ t want to do , or attending functions you don ’ t want to attend ? Are you constantly worried about what others might think of you , and that you don ’ t want to disappoint or let others down ? Then you might be a people-pleaser . The important thing here is to know the underlying causes of what has contributed to this type of behaviour .
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People-pleasers are good at tuning in to what others are feeling and are generally empathetic , considerate and caring people . However , these positive qualities can also be closely followed by the tendency to overachieve , a poor self-image , or a need to be in control . There are a number of factors that could be contributing to this kind of behaviour :

• Poor self-esteem : Someone who lacks self-confidence can constantly be looking for external validation , and doing things for others will give them a level of approval and acceptance .
• Insecurity : Feeling insecure about oneself can result in a person wanting to please others because they worry that other people won ’ t like them or want to be with them , so they go above and beyond to make others happy , often at the cost of their own happiness and needs .
• Perfectionism : Wanting everyone to be happy all the time , always having a good time , can be a symptom of perfectionism and the need to be in control . This can cause a lot of stress and anxiety about the slightest detail or event .
• Past experiences : Our upbringing or traumatic experiences , e . g . growing up in an abusive environment , can cause a person to want to please others as a way of keeping the peace , so as not to make them angry or trigger abusive behaviour .
Often this can result in one not being able to have a healthy attachment with others , especially when it comes to romantic relationships . People-pleasers crave connection , and pleasing other people is a way to feel validated or liked . By making sure people are happy , they feel as if they are useful or needed and valued .
The consequences of being a people-pleaser can leave one feeling :
• Anxious and stressed – constantly worrying about what others are thinking .
• Frustrated , angry and even resentful – feeling you are being taken advantage of , due largely to your own inability to say no or establish boundaries .
• False or inauthentic – going along with what others say or want , due to wanting to be accepted and liked .
• Depleted in energy or willpower – constantly trying to please everyone and the stress that goes with that can leave one feeling mentally and emotionally drained , and unable to focus on your own goals and needs .
Speaking from Experience
I was a people-pleaser for many years before I put steps in place to change this . Part of what contributed to this behaviour was losing my mom at age seven and growing up in a home where there was very little validation and acknowledgement , due to my father being emotionally unavailable .
A crucial part of moving out of peoplepleasing behaviour is to become aware of when and why you do it . If you have been doing it for years , it can be an automatic default without realising it due to the underlying need to serve the needs of others at the expense of your self .
So what are some of the way ’ s to change this behaviour and shift from having a people-pleaser mindset ?
• Start with small no ’ s : Learn to implement boundaries by starting off with a small no , e . g . no thank you , I do not want a second helping of food , I am full .
• Have a healthy relationship with yourself : Practise self-care and self-love behaviours so that you understand your own needs , likes and dislikes , which can help you establish boundaries .
• Question your motives : Observe your motivations and intentions as to why you are doing something . Is it because you fear rejection , or want to gain the approval of others ?
• Establish healthy boundaries : There is nothing wrong with being a kind and caring person , but on your own terms . Kindness doesn ’ t demand attention or rewards , and at the cost of yourself . Do things because you genuinely want to do them , not because you feel obliged to , or are looking for validation .
If you feel that you might be a people-pleaser , but are not sure where to start with exploring this , seek the help of a professional . Alternatively , reach out to me and let ’ s get you the clarity and support to shift you into finding a balance , a healthier mindset and better choices in your life .
Paula Quinsee is a relationship and life coach , Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No . She is a passionate advocate for healthy relationships and personal transformation , and works with both individuals and companies to better understand relationship patterns , communication and conflict styles , emotional behaviours and traits , and how to have healthier human interactions in both our personal and workplace worlds . More info at www . paulaquinsee . com .
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