Images : Pexels & courtesy Karyn Cowan

Going through experiences like this can feel like riding an emotional roller coaster of continuous ups and downs , where some days we feel like we have a grip on things , and other days it can feel like we are stuck in a deep , dark pit with no way out . When we ’ re in the thick of it , we experience emotions such as indecision , anxiety , nervousness , apprehension , fear , frustration , numbness and more . These emotions can also impact our health and wellbeing , as being in distress ( a state of stress ) can lower our immune system , and it can affect our sleeping and eating patterns . Also , we can lash out at those closest to us .

It ’ s only once we ’ ve passed through these lifedefining moments and look back , that we can see the influence these moments have had on our lives , and the lessons and skills we have gained from the experience . Being able to identify both the positives and the insights ( or life lessons ) is of great benefit to our growth and journey in life . These insights equip us with essential life skills , such as the ability to :

• Deal with and overcome adversity .

• Solve problems .

• Develop analytical thinking skills .

• Improve decision-making skills .

• Navigate change and uncertainty .

• Build resilience .

• Develop self-leadership and self-discipline traits .

• Develop self-awareness and emotional intelligence .

Time to Look Within

Life-changing moments are there to define and shape us into being the very best version of ourselves . They come along to push us into learning things about ourselves , how to deal with situations and other people , and how to respond in a rational and logical way instead of becoming reactive and defensive . However , in order to do this , we have to be open to sitting in the uncomfortable space whilst being willing to explore our inner being at the same time . We can choose to see the negatives and slip into blame or victim roles , or we can choose to see the insights and opportunities .

As American organisational theorist , and professor of management control at Harvard Business School , Dr Robert Anthony wrote , “ When you blame others , you give up your power to change .” Blame is a victim mindset , not an empowered mindset .

• Blame mode – when we are in this frame of mind , we tend to blame everything and everyone else as to why things didn ’ t happen , why we couldn ’ t do something , go somewhere , achieve our goals , get the results we wanted and more .

• Victim mode – when we are in this frame of

mind , we fall prey to finding every reason or excuse as to why things keep happening to us , why things keep going wrong , that everything and everyone is out to get us . We question what we did to deserve this .

What we don ’ t realise when we are in blame or victim mode is that it always comes back to self :

• B L A M E

• V I C T I ’ M

When we blame other things or people for what has gone wrong in our lives , what we don ’ t realise is that the last two letters of the word blame is ME . When we blame , we avoid taking accountability and responsibility for our contribution to the situation . And when we play victim , the last two letters are I ’ M . The only one keeping you in victim mode is you .

Opportunity to Grow

No one can make you feel anything or do anything against your will … you allow it to happen . You put yourself in blame and victim mode in various ways , like not speaking up , not having boundaries , or not living your truth , and only you can get yourself out of this mindset . You hold the power to get out by taking action , instead of giving in , giving up or accepting the status quo . We always co-create situations by how we react , our mindset ( positive or negative ), our emotional state ( positive or negative ) and our intentions or agendas . How you choose to let the situation shape you and your experiences in life is totally up to you .

So , the next time you are going through a challenging time in your life , it may feel like you are being stretched in all directions , but actually , you ’ re going through a growth spurt , and developing very real skills that will help shape you for the next challenge that is bound to show up further down the line . And the thing to remember is that your past does not get to define you – you do .

Paula Quinsee is a relationship and life coach , Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No . She is a passionate advocate for healthy relationships and personal transformation , and works with both individuals and companies to better understand relationship patterns , communication and conflict styles , emotional behaviours and traits , and how to have healthier human interactions in both our personal and workplace worlds . More info at www . paulaquinsee . com .

43