Weighing in on Relationships
By Paula Quinsee
Live Well
When it comes to weight and body image issues , men and women can both suffer from the mental and emotional turmoil that comes with it , and it can affect a relationship greatly – both positively and negatively .
Having run both men ’ s and women ’ s personal growth and development programmes over the past six years , one of the topics that nearly always comes up under personal goals is that of losing weight . However , men and women perceive body weight goals very differently . Men associate losing weight with getting fit and healthy , so that they can be around to provide for their family and children in the long term and do physical activities with their kids . Women associate weight-loss more with wanting to feel better about themselves and have more self-confidence and self-esteem , and feel more attractive for their partners .
Weight-loss ( or gain ) is something that often comes up between couples , especially when it starts to impact their intimacy and sex life . It can also cause resentment issues where one partner is physically active and has a social circle and interests outside of their relationship , which their partner is not a part of , or cannot relate to , as they are not physically active themselves .
Why does this happen ?
Weight-loss or gain changes how we see our partner in the physical sense . When a partner gains / loses a substantial amount of weight , it can feel like we are with a stranger , as they are not the same person we fell in love with , or have been used to seeing each day . We lose our sense of familiarity and it can feel like they have become someone else , such as being :
• more social and outgoing , due to being more active and confident within themselves and their physical appearance .
• more withdrawn and unsociable , as they are self-conscious about how they look and feel , and how they perceive others see them . there could be underlying medical reason as to why someone ’ s physique has changed , such as thyroid and hormone issues , which can be a daily challenge to manage .
On the other hand , where a partner has lost a significant amount of weight , it can cause underlying issues of potential jealousy , resentment and insecurities . We may feel that our partner has moved on and is living a new life , e . g . more confident , healthier and active , and potentially even has new friends or social activities as a result of their weightloss journey .
Time for adjustment
Just how much adjustment is needed in a relationship depends on how much weight a person has lost . If it is a significant amount , then it can potentially feel like we have lost the equivalent of “ a limb , small person or more .” This would entail having to adjust our lifestyle accordingly , from the food we eat , what clothes we wear and what physical activities we participate in , to how we engage and interact with others . It can be a whole new way of living for someone .
Can this have a negative impact on the relationship , even if it was done for health reasons ? Irrespective of whether it was done for health reasons or not , it largely depends on the couple and how they support each other in achieving their respective health goals . It ’ s important to communicate with each other as to what your goals are , how you can be supportive in the process , and the role you play in their journey . Possibly even look to take on the journey and goal together as a couple .
When a couple feels secure in their relationship and each other , they can withstand any challenge together , including drastic physical changes . Be supportive and happy for your partner , who is making significant changes that have huge health benefits for both of you . And remember , shared experiences create stronger bonds , and a weight-loss goal is no different , especially when couples can see it as a positive outcome , where both will benefit in the long run .
Most important is communication – before , during and after the journey – and always sharing with each other where you are at , what is going on for you , and how you are feeling . That way your partner knows how to support you and be there for you , and you both grow together in the process . Communication is a connection , and when there is connection , a strong bond and relationship follows . When partners feel acknowledged , valued and a priority , they are better able to deal with stress , conflict and change , and be your biggest cheerleader in the process .
Paula Quinsee is a relationship and life coach , Tedx speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No . She is a passionate advocate for healthy relationships and personal transformation , and works with both individuals and companies to better understand relationship patterns , communication and conflict styles , emotional behaviours and traits , and how to have healthier human interactions in both our personal and workplace worlds . More info at www . paulaquinsee . com .
Images : Pexels
Besides the physical change in appearance , it can also affect us on an emotional level . If a partner has put on a large amount of weight , it can be off-putting both physically and on an emotional level , where we just don ’ t feel attracted to our partner anymore . Often , we don ’ t know how to communicate this to our partner , for fear of hurting their feelings , so we avoid telling them . It can also potentially clash with some of our own personal values and unconscious biases or stereotyping , e . g . a fat person is a lazy person . Meanwhile ,
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