Modern Athlete Magazine Issue 126, January 2020 | Page 38

PJ’S PIECE
By PJ Moses
Failures Do
Not Define Us
No matter how many times you toe the line, there will
always be those moments where the challenge ahead
creates doubts in your mind. It matters little how many
hours, days, weeks or months you trained, or how confident
you thought you were, it can all be undone within a blink
of an eye. I have experienced this before, at the Ultra-
Trail Cape Town 100km in 2016, and again recently, at the
Challenge Cape Town Triathlon.
I
t was my first triathlon, and I had spent a lot of time swimming, cycling and
running as much as I could, even venturing out into the sea – something I never
had the cajones to do before. In fact, I was usually so tired from training that I
have actually forgotten my Netflix account password! I felt ready for it. Or at least, I
thought I was ready...
Race day started out like any other race morning. I got up, stretched for 10 minutes
to calm the nerves, and then went through my morning routine. But the first sign
that things were not going my way came just after I left the flat to catch my Uber.
The driver cancelled after making me wait 15 long minutes, and now I was cutting it
close to make the bus to the start. The second Uber got me there just in time, and I
settled in for the ride to Big Bay.
to swim the full distance? Why did I agree to do this? I’m going to drown! “Calm
yourself, PJ,” was going through my mind, but the voice of doubt is a persistent
SOB, and I could hear it shouting loudly in my head.
When it was finally my turn to hit the water, I set off at a gentle trot into the waves,
still trying to calm myself, but fear is a terrible enemy of progress. It takes hold
and doesn’t let you go. I wasn’t even 200 metres into the swim when I suddenly
panicked. I think looking up at where the buoy was in the distance, and then
looking back at where the beach was didn’t help to calm my nerves, and instead it
sent me into a panic.
It is terrifying when your mind and your body fight each other in the ocean,
and because I had a near-drowning experience before, this was twice as tough
to overcome. I tried to rally, but to no avail, and had to call it quits. It was
devastating… even more so than my DNF at UTCT. As I made my way to the safety
of the beach and then on the long bus ride back to Cape Town, I wanted to curl up
in a ball and cry. I felt defeated. I felt like a failure.
Trail to Redemption
I went into hiding for a bit, but I needed to redeem myself, so a few weeks later I
lined up at the UTCT 21km. Trail has always been where I find the most happiness
and contentment, and it seems the mountain is what my soul needs to replenish
what has been lost. Just like Superman needs the sun to become stronger, so I
need Hoerrikwaggo. I am a son of this mountain in the sea where the first of my
people originated, and it holds a special place in my heart.
Redemption waited for me at the UTCT finish line. It was as tough as I expected,
but when I hit the grass back at Gardens rugby grounds, after facing the tough
climbs and insane downhills, I was toast, but I was happy toast. What made it
better was that I had Miss Mandy there for moral support, and I could finish the
race with my little Queen Paige running next to me. My soul was rejuvenated and I
felt whole again. Because we will fall, but we will also rise up again.
The sea looked calm and the swells were gentle, but it was an overcast morning,
so everything was grey. I wasn’t feeling any nerves, but I also didn’t venture out
for a dip before the start, which was a mistake. Just
10 minutes before the start, I tried to zip up my
wetsuit, just to discover that the zip had
suddenly stopped working. Panic set in
immediately, and I felt like crying.
I worked away at the zip trying to
get it to work, with my wetsuit
halfway down my legs and
sweat pouring down my face.
Two ladies came to my rescue
and got the zip working again.
They helped me get into my
wetsuit and zipped me up, but
now I felt tension rising in me.
Along with the tension came
the doubts. Was I really ready?
Am I going to be strong enough
38
ISSUE 126 JANUARY 2020 / www.modernathlete.co.za
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: PJ is a former Cape Flats gangster who took up
running, and writing about it, when he turned his back on that dangerous
lifestyle in order to set a better example for his two sons. Today he is an
accomplished runner, from short distances to ultra-marathons, recently began
working in running retail, and his exceptional writing talent has opened still
more doors in his new life.
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